I alighted from the train early morning. The station was spic and span, having won an award for cleanliness. I came out and took an auto to the hotel searched out painstakingly from the numerous websites, giving a list of ‘clean neat but value hotels’ in the city. I had even checked customer experience ratings and its proximity to the places I wanted to visit.
Half an hour was all it took to reach the hotel. Checked in, completed my morning routine, took a bath and got ready for breakfast. After breakfast, the visits started.
This was a critical trip for which, I had twin tasks. To ask for help in resolving a health problem of an elder in the family and then my own communion.
The temple was of the divine couple, whom I considered as my parents – Lord Shiva and the Mother Goddess. The temple was on a hillock and the climb was of some 300 steps. I eagerly went to the universal mother’s sanctum. I felt very blessed, as it was just me and the deity alone. The priest must have stepped out for something. I Sat down to pray and communion.
Couldn’t control myself as the deepest wishes and desires came to the surface of my consciousness. As always, I was speaking my mind to the divine mother. It wasn’t a stone idol, but a living presence for me.
Mother was wearing a resplendent saree and was sitting in a grand posture, with the right hand raised in a gesture of assurance and granting wishes. I saw the shining jewels adorning her divine self. The eyes were full of life, energy, wisdom and love and all seeing too. I spoke to the mother, “Mother don’t you know my deepest wish? Can I keep anything hidden from you? I want to wear all that you are wearing. I feel compelled to wear a saree. I feel like wearing every Jewel that adorns you. The toe rings, anklets, the waist chain, the bangles, armlets, multiple neck pieces, the mangalsutra, the dangling ear rings and a nose ring, or the diamond Nose pin. I want to have hair like your lustrous long hair. The ornaments and flowers on your hair too I want to try on. Your beautiful Bindi and arched eyebrows and eyelashes. You look so beautiful. Don’t I have the right to look beautiful? I am your creation, am I not? Why did you make me a male? Then why did you put that thought into my mind, that I have to wear all that which the society considers feminine. Why do I want to look feminine, feel feminine? Even if that is the case why did you not create a societal norm for permitting males to wear all that you wear? Why do I feel compelled to try and wear all this? I am so, so, afraid to come out in public with even a barely visible trace of a woman on me. I cannot share these feelings with a single soul on earth, except you. And I so, so, want to pierce my ears and nose. I cannot do so. I cannot afford to hurt those near and dear to me, for I know they would be shocked and deeply hurt. Because, our entire society will look at our family with curiosity and we all will be a laughingstock, thanks to my disposition. Yet, you make me come here and beg you for that very thing. Is this fair? I want to be you!”
I went on, “I cannot micromanage you. You have been merciful. Always. You have always provided an umbrella during every storm and life has been fragrant. These forbidden desires have been totally ‘covered’ at every critical juncture and this ‘veil’ has saved me and all close to me. But now why is this flood threatening to break the banks now – at this stage of life? Can’t you imagine the agony of all those I care for? How hurt they will be, If they know of these thoughts and desires? I have seen enough to say please make this my last birth. I do not want to be born again. Not out of frustration, but out of the knowledge, you only have put into my mind. Please help me”.
I came down on his knees and then prostrated – flat on the floor. I was overwhelmed, and had tears in the eyes. I knew whatever I asked for, will be granted, and thus, asked for my desire to be fulfilled, but yet started giving caveats. Nobody should be hurt. I do not want to be born again. I do not want people to know, yet I want to walk in public. I went on blabbering, and was sensible enough to say at the end, “Do what pleases you and what is good for all and bad for none. Help me also to surrender and cope with whatever you plan for me, finally, save me my mother. I beg you”. I cried my heart out.
I remembered that, whatever be a son’s shortcomings, the merciful mother will never, never, never let down a son. I had complete confidence in her. I cared for my personal enlightenment – that would have been the purpose of my life, irrespective of who I was. To realise my very self. To realise that I was a spark from the divine conflagration. I didn’t mind my different mind and tendencies. I cared for others, but yet, was afraid of ignominies, and had the ego and public identity.
Yet, I wanted to cross this ocean of existence and transmigration and reach a blessed existence. I felt that this deep desire could be a humongous obstacle to my wanting enlightenment. And hat was my biggest agony. Many desires came and went, wanting a Rolls, having athletic ability like Borg, looks like Vinod Khanna of yesteryears, and so on. But nothing had captured and seized me like this ‘forbidden’ desire; that too at this stage of my life; when it had barely given a hint of its existence, but never came up to the surface in the past was boiling like a volcano.
All desires and particularly this desire, had to do with utter and complete body consciousness. I knew deep down, that there was some truth which I did not understand fully; which is that I (and every being) am beyond the body. Neither a male nor a female nor anything. I was part of a vast infinite ocean of energy and consciousness. I was saddened to see that, a feeling of being a part of the whole and a chip off the old block of divinity was a concept in me and not a lived daily experience.
I took some solace in thinking about a beautiful prayer which says, when a devotee was asking the divine mother ‘Bhavani twam…”, “My mother, you please…”. Mother didn’t allow me to complete the sentence, she took it as “Bhavanitwam” – meaning – you are Bhavani herself! She made me in her image, made me herself. While spiritually this was a merging into the divine, I was still stuck in her physical image. Then too I had read somewhere that, sometimes the divine says ‘you experience this desire too, so you know that this too is a foolish desire and your true self is always content, fulfilled and desirelessness itself’.
And she started fulfilling many of my earthly wishes and mundane wishes. Maybe, we will see how some of that happened as we go along. And I knew that, I will patiently await her to grant me the very highest – discovering my true self, and for that matter, the truth that every atom in existence is her very self.
After a few weeks of returning from my trip, I went to the divine mothers abode near home. Little was I to know what was in store for me. I sat down in front of the sanctum sanctorum and closed my eyes. Some ladies were chanting a liturgy of praises of the mother. So I kept silent, at peace, listening to the melodious soothing sounds. I opened my eyes and got up to go round and I saw forty fifty sarees kept on the ground, inside the premises. They were beautiful. Each had a price tag. There was a gentleman near them and I asked him, “What is this?”. He said devotees donate sarees to the mother and we adorn the deity/idol with those sarees and after some time to raise funds for the temple, we sell them. Since sarees keep arriving from devotees what else can we do? He said.
I remembered that the divine grants all wishes. And saw that the prices were disproportionately low, compared to the actual cost if one were to buy these sarees from a retail shop. On instinct, I picked up 6 sarees and paid for them. The temple officials didn’t suspect a thing about my value and intended use! Took them home and hid them in my cupboard. Now I was determined to try them taking them as ‘prasad’ from the divine.
The opportunity came soon. During my trips out of station, I had tried to learn to wear a saree, but with limited success but then I learnt fast from YouTube tutorials and trial and error. Yet the total opportunity to wear a saree with attention to detail and love took time coming but it came.
That day, I deliberately chose when no one will come disturbing. I had, over a period of time bought all the items which a woman/CD needs to adorn him/herself.
After a bath and breakfast I trembled as I went to the room to my CD treasure chest. Took off my clothes. I was going to try to become a woman in externalities. Took panties and wore that – easy enough. Took a pink padded bra and proudly wore it and hooked it on my back. Rolled up socks and filled the cups. Took the petticoat and slipped it on and tied a knot, after tightening it, on my right side. Took a blouse and wore it like a shirt securing the hooks in the front. Securing the hooks was a little challenge but nothing impossible. Then came the saree.
The ‘prasad’ of the divine mother. I picked the purple/pink two tone saree with a broad golden border and a pallu of a darker purplish-reddish shade, with some small designs with golden threads. I had already secured the corners and edges by ‘peeko’ from a tailor. I hadn’t got a fall stitched for it was expensive and I would have had to leave the saree with the tailor and collect it again. All this needed forethought and preparation. So I preferred not to have a fall stitched.
Picked up the saree and started tucking in the edge from my right side into the petticoat. Slowly wrapped it around me tucking in carefully looking at the mirror while tucking in my back side. Once a round was complete, I was ready to make the pleats in front. In my past attempts, this had been a difficult problem but I had slowly developed my own technique to tackle this. This saree was a longer one than usual and I knew that this will take 6-8 pleats. I wanted perfection and so made the first pleat of great width so that it stays folded and drapes well. Made the second and so on. The second pleat i displaced slightly, very slightly so it can peep out a few millimetres or so from behind the first pleat. I made seven pleats in toto. Then carefully adjusted the height of all the pleats to the same level by holding the bunch and shook it a couple of times. It draped nicely. Never pick up a stiff starched cotton saree while learning for first time. The folds were looking nice. Lifted the lot and very carefully tucked it in at the mid point just below my navel. The petticoat was meant for shorter ladies and so I had to wear it below my navel. Which was just as well. I picked up the free end of the saree and took it around my body from the left and back and then to the right and picked up the whole lot including the pallu, bent myself a little at my hip and ‘threw’ the lot over my left shoulder – Superb! I had a well attired saree now on me and a little nervous now. Even without pallu pleats it looked quite nice flowing to crate a cape of sorts!
Time for the rest of the stuff. Had bought a sticker bindi set. Selected a medium/big bindi, reddish-pink in colour and stuck it a little above the centre point of my eyebrows on my forehead. I don’t know what is this magic or not? But just one bindi makes a complete transformation to the face. Adds lustre and the mind starts to look at the face as it belongs to a lady.
Now I looked at my toes. Painted just one toe with the nail polish. I was afraid to paint all, since taking out the polish is a hell of a task. I didn’t want to be caught trying because of incomplete removal later. And the entire room smelling of nail polish remover. Left the polish to dry. Took barely minutes. Had bought toe rings, many designs. The main toe ring set was for 2 each in one tow of each foot and in silver colour. This is two rings per the second toe on each foot. I applied some moisturiser to soften and smooth my toe skin. The toe rings slipped in easily but were perfectly correct in fitment. I had already learnt that the second toe is approximately the size of my little finger of my hand. This was at the cost of trial and error and some wasted money. But the fitment of this complete non expandable ring was such that it will not slip out and yet was easy on the toe. Then came a lovely toe ring set. For three middle toes in each foot. And the rings had a small rectangular piece at the top which was painted pink and small bells attached. And a chain connecting the three rings. These were expandable rings. So the lengthy process of slipping in all into the three toes without breaking the chain and then tightening the free ring to constrict the size so it stays in place was achieved.
Then came the payal or anklet. I had bought a heavy piece with a hook and eye arrangement. This was easily put on. I reminded myself that I have to be careful for there were bells in the anklet. They will make a distinct ‘chal, chal cham cham ‘ sound when I walk. I had picked up something unique from Rajasthan for the upper ankle. Ankle kadas. One pair was slightly thicker and slightly bigger in circumference. The circle ended in a ball shaped piece and the ‘ring’ was not a closed one. One has to twist it to slip it across ones ankle and wear it. Then bring it back to the same shape. I did that. The other ‘kada’ was a full round and it had an invisible joint. If one pulls, then it will open. Then twist and wear it and then pull it outwards to allow the guiding pin to fit into the mating part on the other side of the kada and leave it as it springs into a full round. Thus, it will look as if it cannot be taken out at all. I looked at my feet. I had already used a trimmer to take off all hair and make it smooth. A wave of pleasure swept through me.
Then came the waist chain. With flowers hanging from a central thread. It had to be tied. The saree pallu has to be lowered and then the chain tied and then the saree pallu had to be taken around and ‘thrown’ casually over the left shoulder.
Hands and bangles. Size (will deal with this in a later story) was 2-12. I had many different coloured bangle sets. Picked up a ‘kada’ type set and the thickest one I selected to be worn first. I applied cream to make my hand smooth. I had to wear these myself. If a bangle seller puts it on me, I have experienced that he can slip in a much smaller size, even 2-8 or 2-10 with ease, kneading the hands to ease the bangles. But taking it out too, only he can do. In other words one needs help or one has to keep the bangles on over many days. In my case I would have to take them off and by myself. So the bigger size. After the kada with some pink and diamond coloured stones was slipped in, I took three golden coloured bangles (thin ones) and slipped them on. Same with my other hand. Then three pink coloured – these were metal bangles too. Then 6 glass bangles – pink. Then pink metal ones and Golden metal ones. In toto, 19 bangles in each hand. One kada each at the other side? i wanted to improvise. So silver coloured thin metal bangles. 12 each in each hand. Wow. What a heady feeling with 31 bangles per hand. I stood in front of the mirror, mesmerized looking at my full hands! There was limited play and hence when I lifted my hands they will fall on top of each other and align themselves making a lovely tinkling sound of metal and glass which cannot be described. The intensity of sound would reach my ears, but not too much outside the walls, which was perfect.
Now I picked up the mangalsutra – a golden one with some black beads. Had I been a married woman of certain communities in India, then this once worn, has such significance that it is not to be taken off. I let it hang out and it fell on the saree and had a centre golden/diamond stone mixed design and gave a feeling of wedded bliss (I of course was in wedded bliss, otherwise but this was a new experience). Then a throat piece which had clasps at the back and was smaller in size and perfectly encircled my throat with golden peacock feather designs.
I wasn’t done yet. The ears. Not pierced. Took out clip ons which were improvised out of two ear rings. One was a diamond clip on and the other was a dangler with inverted bell and small pearls at the bottom edge of the bell. Click! There it was, giving a feeling of heaviness hanging from my ear lobes. The slightly smaller clip on, I placed slightly above this, and had diamond stones. For the upper ear, I had a spring on round ring which I placed and for the top I had a metal ring with a single pearl hanging. That completed the ear pieces. How fortunate are the women who can have ear piercings; that too multiple, I thought. Yet I cannot crib. I had what I wanted in full with not a single feeling of being less; the heaviness of the dangling ear ring pulling at the lobe was an indescribable feeling.
The nose ornaments are unique to India. I picked up the nose ring with the chain. It was for non pierced nose. I opened the end and it appeared to have a sufficient gap. But I wanted it a bit tighter. I pressed the ends together to reduce the gap and then gently opened it and placed it on my left nostril. Took the chain up across the left cheek and left it hanging from over the ear. I had a Maharashtrian nose ring. And diamond nose stud equivalents and septum rings too. These I will use later. It was an effort, resisting wearing/trying on everything that very day.
I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror. Now this mind is not just a strange entity but a powerful one too. There have been many times in my life when I have worn a business suit and a tie. A light ash coloured suit a navy blue and grey striped tie and a white shirt. A craggy dark complexioned face will look back at me as the mirror reflection. Salt and pepper reasonably thick hair and many have told me, hey you look distinguished and handsome! Rugged looks. Not classic features but rough features, but yet with added character to the face – that I considered to be me. My colleagues used to compliment me and when on occasion I walked into a hotel or a flight I will always elicit a ‘Good morning Sir” or a lady receptionist will stand up. Not when I am in my casual clothes but when I am going to a meeting in my ‘power dress’.
And here I was, where my mind played tricks. It blanked out the rough facial features and focused on the ornamentation and bindi and saree and bangle clad hands! They say eyes are a window to the soul. The eyes were softer, gentler and a wee bit demure. I saw a mature elegant married woman looking back at me.
I walked inside from room to room. The mind automatically introduced a sway in my hips and walk. I forgot to mention my golden slippers. I walked gently. The slightly audible ‘chal chal chum chum ‘ of my ‘payal. The metal kadas in my legs/angle falling on each other making a metallic sound. The pallu fell a bit. My hands automatically went to adjust and the bangles made a soothing tinkling sound. The dangling ear rings pulling at my ear lobes and swinging and swaying. My nose ring chain touching my cheeks and bouncing off occasionally. My eyes traced toe ring clad my feet and in front of the mirror they also looked at my protruding breasts and the saree draping over them and the facial jewels shining on me. I looked down and the shine reflected from my nose ring. The bra bit into my back. The ear and nose rings held their place tightly.
I was a woman. No less, in my mind. Not a cross dresser but a complete woman. A married one.
So, what if I didn’t have real breasts and other parts?
And so, what If my nose wasn’t pierced?
So, what if I had no courage to go to a beauty parlour,
and get my eyebrows done?
So, what if my facial wasn’t done?
So, what if I didn’t paint my lips, and my finger nails in my hand?
So, what if I didn’t have long hair?
Yes, I didn’t have flowers on my hair. My sense of seeing was heightened (by the jewels). My sense of hearing was inspired by all the tinkling. My sense of skin and touch was all over with the bra and the saree swishing around and my nose ring and chain moving and biting and so on. My sense of smell was kindled my the light fragrance of the moisturiser. I had experienced taste on other occasions and so put an Elaichi to tickle that.
The divine mother had kept her word. I experienced a lot. If not 100% probably a massive feeling of being a woman. I thanked the mother.
There were many opportunities and occasions when I could repeat this experience and yet, I wasn’t satiated. The mind and body wanted more and more. But by grace of the mother, so far the tendency remained under wraps. So what next?
So my divine mother why are you putting me through this? Will you not release me from these desires?
The divine mother put thoughts into my mind and intellect. “My son, you asked for this and I have given you a partial experience. Would you like a complete experience?”. I was in a dilemma. My heart pushed me, “Say yes”. But my intellect stopped me, “To what avail my dear self?”
More thoughts came. I can become a member of a community, which is sadly ostracised by the society for no fault of the members! Do I want that? Will these desires be over once satisfied? The answer was a resounding “NO!” Do I want to be born as a woman? The answer again was, “Do you want to go through every hassle again? Of birth, of education? Search for a job? Health challenges? Even if you are born as a beautiful woman, will that sufficient? Will you not need to protect yourself from molestation and living in a male dominated society? ” I knew at my core that, this was an uncertain challenge and fulfilment of this desire in part was never the answer. For merging with the divine, one needs to go beyond bodily desires. Not only was this logical, but also many great ones who had crossed the ‘ocean of transmigration/of human existence’ while still embodied said so. There is no purpose other than to seek the feet of the divine and merge and go beyond all duality.
The divine mother had granted worldly desires and if I ask, she will grant each and every wish. But now I will await her granting my desire for total freedom of desirelessness. Bhavanitwam in the correct spiritual sense.
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