My name is Shiva. In India Shiva the GOD is part of the trinity. He is the destroyer and is depicted as a fierce male with weapons. My parents named me after him being staunch worshippers of Shiva and hoping for me to grow up into a fine and sturdy man. However, fate had other plans for me and I now go by the name of Shivani, which is a female name. I am now a woman and am happy about it. At first I was worried and very unhappy about the physically changes in my appearance and the emotional feelings within me. However, with my Mother’s loving care and support I not only transited into womanhood but am now happily married woman with a loving and supportive husband.
My childhood was normal with me receiving the bulk of my parent’s attention being the son of the family. In our teen years, my sister, Sheena, who was year younger, suddenly started maturing and growing up faster than me. At sixteen she was an inch taller than me and lanky. She was around 5 feet 7 inches tall to my 5 feet 6 inches. She also became very confident of herself and started making fun of me in front of my friends, of how I took a long time combing my hair and applying anti pimple creams etc. She told them how I only listened to music, watched and played cricket or did dumbbell exercises at home to enhance by muscles, most of the time. She said that I could not even clean my own room or make a cup of tea. I had always been rough with her but now started making her pay for her poking fun of me, by bullying her into doing my chores and other things. This went on till we passed off from high school. I joined college to pursue a career in Biomedicine and she took up animal husbandry. Our parents did not know about our bickering. My father worked in a reputed company and we lived in a well maintained and nice cottage in the suburbs. My Mother was a home maker and did a good job of keeping us well fed and dressed. We were in all respects a normal, decent middle income.
My college was situated outside the town and thus I had to live in a hostel. Sheena was fortunate to able to live at home and attend the Vet College and Hospital that was in our town. She and my mother visited me often and tidied up my room. They brought washed and cleaned clothes and took away my soiled ones. Whenever we met during the holidays, Sheena always informed my friends how she the younger sister had to look after her older brother. I had three close friends. They were Venkat, Vinoth, and Anita. Venkat was my hostel room mate and Vinoth was from another branch of medicine, but living in the same hostel. Anita was a plain looking but smart girl and she joined us in all our activities. She was tall and well built and could beat us at arm wrestling. Although she was taller than me, I somehow liked her and treated her as my girl friend, but she did not let me get physical or allow me to show affection. Sheena’s close friend was Linda. The six of us were always together during holidays and outings. We met up very often and went to movies or shopping.
College days:
One day my mother and I went to see Sheena at her Vet College. My mother went to freshen herself up in the ladies and I stealthily entered the lab. Sheena and Linda were the only ones there and I decided to play a prank on them as they were unaware I had entered the lab. Their backs were towards me and they were hunched over a steel tray with bottles and syringes. I switched off the lights and went up behind them to startle them, but they reacted very differently from what I expected. They pounced on me and subdued me. In the ensuing melee, Sheena in a reflex motion struck a large syringe in my arm. Without realizing that she shot the liquid in my arm. I screamed in pain and told them it was me. When they realized it was me, Sheena withdrew the syringe but it was almost empty. They helped me sit down in a chair and held my arm. My mother entered the lab and asked them what had happened. When I had regained my composure, I stood up and slapped Sheena in anger. I stalked out of the room in pain. Sheena stood there and kept quiet, while Linda comforted her. My mother asked them about the contents of the injection. They said it was a strong dose of oestrogen, which they had collected from a mare. My mother told then to find out its effect and to check if there was an antidote. I was not aware of the oestrogen. A day later I started feeling a little pain in my lower abdomen and limb joints and having urination problem. I phoned Sheena and asked her what was in the injection. She knew that I would beat her if I knew the truth, so she said it was only a mild pain killer. I told her that I started having pains with her pain killer. She said she would try herself and ask her seniors, for what to do. When the pains started becoming more pronounced, she and Linda took me to see a local doctor. This doctor prescribed some mild aspirin and some creams for my joints. I started taking these and felt relief. Later Sheena and Linda came over with some antidote injections.
Within a week of this, I noticed that my hands and face had become smooth and my body hair was thinning. I was not worried about my body hair as I had very little, but my face looked much better so I continued taking the pills. A month later my skin was smooth all over. My friends noticed and at first, started asking me, if I was using hair remover cream etc. My physical appearance now prompted them, to nominate me for the part of the female lead in our college annual day program. I was angry and refused to act as a female. The dramatic club found another boy to play the part, but my principal who was my father’s friend heard and informed my parents that, I had refused to act in the college play, because I had to act as a female. My mother told me that there was nothing wrong in acting as a female and she would see to it, that I was not teased about it and that I was decently and well dressed. The play was about current life of young people in villages and how society forces them to behave and become stereotypes of what society needs and forget their ambitions and dreams. The main characters are a boy and girl from a village. The girl is smart and wants to become a doctor, but is forced to marry the boy, who is not clever but sent to college to study medicine. He fails and commits suicide and the girl is blamed for not being supportive and bringing him bad luck.
My parents who are strong advocates of female literacy and other such programs told me that I had a moral obligation to act and show the drawbacks of such social issues. My mother took it upon herself to speak to the drama in charge and get the details of the drama. I was told to report for practice and did so, reluctantly. The drama in charge asked his wife to help me learn how to walk and move like a girl. My physical appearance was slowly changing and my structure too was changing and soon I found that I could imitate her quite easily and well. During this time I started suffering from dysentery and was sent home. My mother gave me herbal medicines, that cured my dysentery but left me with a loss of appetite. It was at this time, that Anita came to visit me with my college notes and papers. My mother told her to check on me, while she went to the market. When she left, I needed to go to the bathroom. While there, I felt weak. My mother had kept a woman to help in the washing and mopping. Her name was Sudha, she heard my cry for help and rushed to my help. She tried to support me but I felt weak and so she did what I did not expect in my lifetime. She asked me to hold on to her neck as she lifted me in her arms and carried me to the bed. Although I was weak and unwell, I felt a strange joy at being carried by her. She told me that I must have lost around 15 kg and was as light as a girl. I was surprised to feel excited by being lifted by a woman.
Unknown to me the effect of the oestrogen and other pills and the dysentery had all combined to give me a very slim and smooth body. My mother noticed my breasts too were budding and asked me about them. I told her that I was feeling a strange sensation in my nipples. She started treating my chest with some herbal lotions and it was not long before I had small breasts and large nipples. My mother told me not to worry about these things. When I felt better, we went to see a doctor who checked me and told me that I had the body of a teenage girl. If my parents agreed then he would help me by giving me more hormonal tablets, as my male hormones were getting less.
My family and I had a discussion and it was decided that I would take some male hormone tablets. But within a week I started having side effects and so the doctor said that I would have just stop and see what happens further. In the meantime, every weekend my mother got me, to start wearing a half saree. When I was comfortable wearing and moving about in a half saree, she showed me how to dress a saree. In my younger days I used hate when I had to handle female clothes, but in my present state I started liking them and also learned how to fold and store them neatly. I started feeling better after I started wearing female clothes and was able to concentrate on my studies better.
I took those to college and practised wearing them in the secrecy of my room. My hair had started growing thick and long and I let it grow so that it reached my shoulders. My body was smooth and to keep my breasts from showing, I bound them when I wore shirts and T shirts, but wore a bra when I practised being a girl. On the day of the program, Sheena and Anita came to see the drama. Sheena had not been to see me for a long time and so had Anita. I had to dress as a village girl in half saree and later as a married woman in full saree. My mother had selected a brown coloured half saree, deep yellow petticoat and blouse. I wore red glass bangles and hair extensions were added to my hair so that it was well below my shoulders. I looked very beautiful and felt confident. For the saree scene, I had to wear a soft pink saree with pink petticoat and blouse. My mother had got these blouses stitched and had even got me ladies open toed high heeled slippers.
On the day of the program my mother dressed me. Once I was dressed she went to join my father, in the auditorium. Sheena, Anita and Linda were also there in the audience. Sheena and Linda wanted to see me before the drama and so came backstage to see me. I was already dressed as a young girl in a half saree and they did not recognize me. I passed by them and they asked me if I had seen Shiva. I spoke in my best girly voice and told them that now the drama was about to start and they should go to the auditorium. During the drama, they were asking my mother that where is Shiva and why is he not acting? They said, maybe I am only acting as voice over and not on stage. My mother and father told them I am acting and they can check after the drama by going backstage.
After the drama Anita, Sheena and Linda rushed backstage and met Venkat, who had acted as the village headman. They came to the room where I was changing and were surprised to see me standing there dressed in low cut rose coloured blouse and rose coloured petticoat folding the saree and half saree.
Sheena, Anita and Linda were shocked at my appearance. They said that they did not recognize me and I’m not only looked like a girl but also acted like one excellently. They could not help laughing at themselves. The others left the room and only Anita stayed back. She looked me up and down and then hugged me. I was taken by surprise but reacted like a girl and put my arms around her in response. She nuzzled my neck and said that, I had a very feminine figure with long hair and AA size breasts. We held each other and then she left the room. I changed into my boy clothes and went to join the others.
After a month I once again started feeling unwell, so my mother and I once again consulted our doctor. He gave me a new prescription and said ‘If you stay off the medication, you have a 50-50 chance, as your chest is turning to breast. It is like a woman’s, so you will have to wear a bra. I know how that sounds funny but it’s for your good. If you allow the skin to stretch too much even when the swelling goes down you’ll have a lot of loose flesh at the chest and it won’t go away. Stay at home, wear a comfortable bra and wait”. I was worried about my mother more than myself. The doctor continued saying, “I am sorry, but Shiva is almost half female now. It is better he has female hormones and becomes a full woman”.
We went home and mother called Sheena and they both examined me. I was told to stand without my shirt, while my Mother used a measuring tape to measure my chest, below my fleshy chest it. I felt shy and tried to cover up but Sheena held my hands as my mother measured me. It read 36 inches. Sheena could not believe and was envious because she was only 32 inches. After this, I stayed at home and continued my studies. I now realized that it was best for me to dress and behave like a girl and with that, I started studying very well. I appeared for the examination and did very well.
Venkat, Vinoth, and Anita called to congratulate me on my passing the exams. We all had passed and they were happy, that I had done well in spite of being absent for long periods. Anita said she wanted to see me. I was reluctant as I was now wearing female clothes full-time. A day later Sheena brought Anita and Linda to see me. They were once again shocked to see me as a girl dressed in bra, t-shirt and loose track pants. I told them about the doctor and the medicines. Anita and Sheena decided to bathe and go to the Vishnu temple. I was wondering what I would do that evening when Sheena said that I could accompany them. I said I did not have proper clothes as all are not suiting my new shape. Sheena called my mother and they brought the saree and clothes I had worn for the stage drama. My mother dressed me and started calling me Shivani. Then Anita started working on me. She helped me apply make-up.
Simple powder, lipstick, bindi, kajal for my eyelashes and eyebrows and put nail polish to all the 20 nails. She tied my long hair wig in a cute feminine style applying hairpins and clips. She made it look so natural that, it covered the skull cap I was wearing beneath it. She took hair extensions and fixed it to my hair, which made my hair long and reached up to the waist. Now the effect was stunning. Good hair does add beauty to a woman. My mother put one thick long chain on my neck and red glass and gold bangles on my wrists, rings on each hand, a pair of gimmiki (jhumka) in each ear and anklets. Sheena kept a large strand of jasmine flowers in my head. I was asked to look at myself in the mirror. I was truly very feminine and beautiful. I felt like a woman and my mother called me Shivani.
The girls took my hand and guided me outside the house. Anita had a new Motor scooter and she told me to sit behind her on the pillion seat while my mother sat on the pillion seat behind Sheena. I was thrilled to sit behind Anita and could feel her body against mine as we moved through the traffic. We went to the Vishnu temple. After the temple, we all went to the mall to buy dresses for me. It was really thrilling as they selected the clothes for me. They bought 2 sarees, 3 salwars, 4 bras and panties and 2 nighties.
After this, I started wearing only female clothes more often. We visited a lady doctor to find out my condition. She said that I was almost feminine with no facial or body hair, feminine figure only my voice was male. She advised my mother to keep me in feminine clothes and to start wearing only sarees and half sarees till my medication was complete and I could have an SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery). My breasts were now 36 inches and my height was 5 feet 6 inches. My age was 21 and in a few weeks I would be a complete woman.
A few weeks later I had my SRS and became a complete woman. My name and other documents were changed and my name was now Shivani a female. My mother taught me how to look after the household activities. She taught me how to cook and clean and be a good housekeeper. I continued to dress and behave like a woman and went out with my sister and her friends who got used to me as a woman. We went for picnics and I attracted the attention of my sisters friends. They said that no one will believe that I was a male before. I got a job and soon started to settle into my new life as a woman. Anita came to see me often and I sensed that she had taken a liking for me. She bought me gifts and often held my hand. I too liked her and liked when she took my hand in hers. We went for rides together with me sitting behind her dressed in a saree. She would also wear sarees sometimes and I could feel her bosom as my hand encircled her. I could feel her excitement and mine too. But she was a woman and I was one too and it would be a scandal, if anyone saw us holding hands and whispering together. She told me that she liked me better as Shivani than, when I was Shiva.
Then fate once again played “its” hand. Anita was involved in road accident. Her scooter was hit by a truck carrying acid and some of it had fallen on her abdomen and lower parts. The doctors told her that she would be safe but she had lost her ovary track and there was some damage to her urine canal. The doctors said that she would lose her feminine looks as her ovaries were damaged. Her father asked the doctors what was the best they could do for her. They discussed with Anita and told her the situation. I had been to see her that day and she asked for everyone else to go out as she wanted to talk to me alone. She said that since she would lose her feminine looks, which was not much as she was rather plain looking, it will be better if she changes her sex. Once she was a man then, she could court me and if I was willing she would marry me. I looked at the pain in her eyes and told her that I would be her wife.
Two week later the surgery was done. Anita now became Anil Kumar. Within a year, our love abounded and so our marriage was fixed. Anil started exercising and has a tough macho figure. I started doing yoga and classical dance. We were married and went to Ooty for our honeymoon. Anil surprised me by lifting me in his arms and carrying me to the room. My life is complete now and I am a dutiful wife who wears sarees. We are very happy. Anil loves me as his woman and I love him as my man.
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