My name is Tiffany So, or Tiff as my friends call me, and I'm a 21-year old post-op transgender woman who hates being transgender.
Where do I begin? Every morning I wake up and squat over the toilet. I breathe. In, out. When my body finally relaxes I let the urine flow. It's not like peeing with a penis you know. My prostate shrunk up after HRT and SRS, so there's almost no force behind it anymore. When I finish, I have to wipe my vagina, and I mean really wipe. It's like wiping your ass if your ass was on the other side. About a year ago I was in the middle of a Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Siege match and I had to go really bad. I was able to relax enough in drone phase and get back in time to win the round. I clutched it by the way. What I didn't clutch was the urinary tract infection I got for forgetting to wipe. I'm a disgusting transgender woman.
So after I get out the door, I head off to university. I'm a business major. I lost all of the passion I had when I was a kid, and the dreams I had. I picked business just so that I can make money. My body has price tags all over it. Price tags on my nose, my chin, my cheeks, my eyebrows, my breasts, and of course, my vagina. My body is a commodity to be paid for. I've made my down payment and now I just have to finish paying it off, with interest. The debt more than anything motivates me to get good grades, to which I'm getting As and Bs in all my classes. My parents would probably be proud, not that I've seen them much in the past 3 years. I remember the look on my father's face when I came home after SRS. Pure rage. And my mother, all she could do was weep. I was their only child—their only son. You might not realize this, but for an Asian, family is everything, lineage is everything. I unilaterally killed the bloodline for my family. I'm a stupid transgender woman.
When I get home from classes, I get to engage in my least favorite daily activity. I have to shower. Even in February, it hovers around 30°C (or around 80° for you American readers) in Thailand. Did I forget to mention that I live in Thailand? Don't you dare call me a Thai ladyboy though. I'm a Singaporean expat and I go to school with mostly other expats, but I digress. In Thailand, it's almost impossible not to come home sticky and sweaty, even though I'm usually wearing a long dress skirt, I have to wear a blazer along with a monochrome top (usually dull pink, or dull green, etc.) to match the dress code of the business school. I take my blazer off first, hanging it up on the hanger so that it doesn't get ruffled. Then, I unbutton my top. As my sleeves fall down my arms, my 34C breasts are visible in the mirror. The scar lines are gone but they feel no less fake than the day I got them. I wanted C-cups because I didn't want to look like a whore. Just a modest girl. Yeah, real modest. So modest that I don't even feel like a real woman. I'm a prudish transgender woman.
And my least favorite activity is- oh, did you think showering was my least favorite activity? I said daily activity. My absolute least favorite activity is dilating. "What's dilating?" you may ask. Well, every weekend I have to insert a dilator into my "vagina" to expand it. If I don't, my vagina closes up. :/ I have to do this for at least 2 hours. I didn't know I'd have to do this before transitioning. Or at least, if I did, I was only half-listening. I remember when the nurse gave me my first dilator... I tried to dilate my urethra! I had no idea what I was doing; she had to insert it for me. I'll never forget that moment. As she inserted it into me I moaned ever so slightly. She averted her gaze from my vagina directly into my eyes, giving me the dirtiest look. It's like she was shouting, "you fucking pervert!" I didn't look at myself in the mirror but I could feel my face flush. I must have been redder than a ripe apple. Dilating at home isn't nearly as eventful. It's not like masturbating—it's not. I derive no pleasure from doing this every weekend. It's just something I have to do, and I hate doing it. I'm a lazy transgender woman.
And then when all's said and done, when I've showered and finished my homework, I lie down to sleep. Laying on my back I feel my breasts slide to my sides. This is when I'm most comfortable. No constant weight of breasts weighing down on my back, or awkwardly shuffling them when I'm on my side. I always slept on my side as a boy, but I just can't stand it as a girl. I remember shuffling my balls trying to make sure they were positioned symmetrically as a boy, and that's one of the reasons I was so glad when they were gone. Boobs are even worse. They just never sit right, and they're especially uncomfortable in a bra. Can't say I sleep as well as I used to, but laying on my back just feels normal.
Then I fall asleep, wake up in the morning, and do it all over again.
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I joined a lot of Kik groups trying to see what other trannies like me thought of bottom surgery. Anything that started with shemale, or ladyboy, or newhalf. The shemale ones weren't around long. Looks like Kik put a permaban on any groups with shemale in the hashtag, or at least I can't reply to the ones I was in or join any new ones. One day, I received quite a surprising message from one of my groups.
"Hey, you look like you're around 14 years old. Do you know the meaning of this group's name? I'm migrating the users from a group previously named, "Ladyboy Growth and Development". We're going to be sharing some adult content to liven up this group, so would you mind leaving?"
"I'm sorry, what the fuck? I'm twenty-one dude."
"Oh lol, my mistake! You look really young in your avatar. Then again, you don't sound like an Asian girl, are you a guy roleplaying?"
"Fuck you. I'm a transgender woman and I have every right- more of a right to be here than anyone else!"
I didn't know why I was being so defensive with this guy. It's not like I strongly identify as a transgender woman. I don't really know what I identify as, or what my identity is. Something about being called a kid though, that really pissed me off and got me going.
"Sorry sorry sorry. I didn't mean any offense. Kik is full of catfish if you know what I mean. You're completely right. You have more of a right than anyone else to post in this group. I can't wait for you to share your stories of your growth and development!"
Uh oh.
----------
I already stood my ground, so I can't leave the group now. I don't know if this is me being competitive or not, but I feel like... he would win? Or is it that... I would lose? Well, my plan was to do nothing. I'm just hoping he doesn't message me again.
"Hey, we have 2 transgender women posting in the group about their experiences right now. I think if you got to know them, you'd get along really well. One's even shown a dick pic, and of course you're welcome to share ;)"
"Ug, I'm not some ladyboy hooker you can hit on. I'm a post-op transwomen. I've got no dick to fuel your perverted fantasies"
"Whoa now, I'm just trying to make this group active again. I made a promise to the admin of the other group that I would do this in exchange for the hashtag of her group. I'm not doing this to get my rocks off, it was just a way to lighten the mood. You're probably the best one here to talk to these girls since you've gone through all the growth and development. Could you talk to them about your transition?"
"Er- I'd rather not"
"Why not?"
"Listen, mine's not a story anyone wants to hear. I'm sure that no one would learn anything from my experiences."
"Try me"
"*sigh* alright, where do I even begin? I hate wiping after I pee, my family hates me, I hate looking at my body, and I hate dilating. Do you even know what dilating is?
"Uh, can't say I do."
"I have to stick a big rod up my vagina for 2 hours each weekend because otherwise my vagina closes shut. That's just common knowledge anyone who knows anything about transitioning would know. How do you expect to 'help' anyone if you didn't even know that?"
"I can only help by learning. You're proving my point though. Why don't you talk to them about transition? If you hate the results of SRS so much, that's something they have a right to hear from someone with lived experience. Maybe they won't choose SRS."
"You don't get it. I didn't have a choice. I had to get a vagina. There wasn't a choice for me. There just wasn't."
"What do you mean?"
"... I had an orchiectomy when I was 13 years old. You don't know what that is either, I'm sure."
"Well I could Google it."
"Castration. I was castrated."
"Wait like... castration of the The Forbidden City? I thought that ended decades ago. Where in Asia are you?"
"Yeah, of course it ended decades ago. They cut off the penises too, so I wouldn't have a vagina now, would I? Anyway, I'm in Thailand, but I'm actually a Singaporean expat."
"Oh, so that's why your Engrish is so good."
"Should I block you now or later?"
"I'm joking! Joking, sorry. Why did your parents have you castrated? Isn't that illegal?"
"They didn't. I did. I paid a backdoor doctor 1750 Baht to have them removed."
"WHAT?! And your parents didn't know? How did you get away with that? Wasn't there recovery time?"
"There was. I told them I was staying over at a friend's house, and I had him vouch for me in case they called. It took a day after the procedure, and then I went home"
"Wow. That sounds like a lot of money too. How did you even afford it?"
"1750 Baht is only about $50 USD"
"FIFTY DOLLARS?!? Fifty dollars and he removed your testes???"
"Yeah. Since we're Singaporean expats everything is cheap here too. My parents give me an allowance every month and I always saved all of it. You can get anything on the black market in Thailand."
"Like what?"
"Pills. I didn't know that I needed to take hormones until I was 15. I thought just cutting off my testes would let me become a girl. That's how I got all of my estrogen until I turned 18."
"Wow, so you paid for your whole transition that way"
"Not entirely. I saved enough to put a sort of down payment on my surgeries, and then I took out medical loans to pay for the rest. I was able to get a deferment for being in university, but I'll have to pay for both my school debts and my medical debts when I graduate."
"Jeez, what a miserable state of affairs, no offense"
"It's just a fact. I did this to myself. I put myself in this position. I can't get mad at anyone else and I have only myself to blame."
"Well, look on the bright side. You get to experience sex on both sides of the human experience. Well, maybe not sex at 13, but you at least know what it's like to masturbate as both."
"I've never masturbated or had sex in my life. Not then, not now."
MARCH
"So you're telling me... you're 21 years old... and you've never masturbated before? Not even pre-op?"
"No, not at all. I mean, I found any contact at all with my penis absolutely disgusting, so of course I never tried to masturbate."
"Well, what about your vagina?"
"I also find my vagina disgusting. idk. It just feels weird to touch it and I have no libido, so I've never tried masturbating before"
"Well, you'll always have feelings of regret over your transition if you don't actually make your transition worth it"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you can't give birth to a child. The only purpose of your vagina is to get fucked"
"Shut the fuck up!"
"I'm only speaking the truth, no offense. What was the point of transitioning if you're not having sex?"
"Do you even know what body dysphoria is? It's not just about sex you chad, it's about not feeling comfortable in your own body, or with your own genitals"
"So you feel perfectly comfortable in your body and with your genitals right now?"
"Yeah of course I do"
"Really?"
"Yes, really"
"Doesn't sound like it"
"Fuck no I'm not, does that make you feel better?"
"No, I just want YOU to feel better"
":| how?"
"You need to experience life. Find out what pleasures you the most. Whether you like men or women more. Until then, you'll always be faced with regret over your decisions and you won't know if you made the right choice"
"Alright then, help me out"
":O what do you mean? :3"
"Tell me what it's like to have an erection"
"Oh, that's what you meant by help..."
"What did you think I meant?"
"Oh nothing, nothing at all ;)"
"No really, what did you think I meant?"
"That you wanted to see what I could pleasure you with :)"
"Eww. Ew ew ew ew ew! I hated looking at my own penis what makes you think I would ever want to look at yours?"
"Well, a picture is worth 1000 words. Don't you want to know what an erection looks like?"
"Feels like, you fuckboy, FEELS LIKE. Now are you going to stop or do I have to block you?"
"Jeez alright already. Well, it's like a build-up of energy. Sometimes you can feel the blood build up if it's cold enough. And when it's done you feel an overwhelming sense of power. There, happy?"
"A sense of power?"
"Yeah, and the overwhelming urge to dominate something"
"Or someone"
"Yeah, someone, definitely"
"That sounds wrong. I'd never want to dominate anyone"
"But would you ever want to be dominated?"
"I... I don't know. I've never thought about it"
"Well, don’t judge others until you know what you yourself want"
"I guess"
"Well anyway, there's almost nothing bad about having an erection. Walking around with an erection feels great, like you're not dominating somebody or something, but somePLACE. You feel like this is your territory"
"So do you pee on the walls or the furniture?"
"haha, very funny. Thankfully I'm not a furry but there's not a whole lot of difference between a human and a cat, or any animal for that matter when it comes to erections. Hell, when a man flexes his PE muscles, you can see the blood throb to the tip of his cock just like a horse's"
"You're sure you're not a furry?"
"Well to be more specific it was a donkey. I don't know if the stereotype of donkey sex being the first thing that teenage boys look up in your country, but it has a certain truth to it here"
"And where is 'here' exactly?"
"Oh, sorry I guess I never mentioned. I'm from America"
"Gross, I was hoping that I was speaking to a suave Englishman with a posh accent. Then it would have at least made sense that you wanted to 'dominate' me with your erection"
"Wow, harsh"
"Americans always have the most disgusting dicks too. You have any idea how many Kiks I get every day from American men who want to hook up with a Thai ladyboy? It's like none of you know how to wash"
"ok, ok I get it sheesh. Look, I wouldn't have sent you a dick pic unless you consented to it, I was just dicking around before"
"Really? A pun?"
"Sorry, I couldn't help it"
"*sigh* so what were you talking about before with throbbing penises? And without using your bestiality fetish as an analogy?"
"PE muscles?"
"Yeah, what are those?"
"The pubococcygeus muscle is the muscle on the bottom of your pelvic floor. Next time you're in the bathroom, try to stop the flow of urine, that's your PE muscle. For men, it controls the erection and keeps it stiff, along with helping the prostate during ejaculation. It can be strengthened using kegel exercises"
"Sounds like what I had to do after my surgery"
"Well, kegeling would strengthen your vaginal walls, but if you're dealing with too much tightness, then you probably wouldn't want to"
"Do you know what it's like to pee as a woman?"
"Can't say I do"
"Well, I remember what it was like peeing as a boy. If you think I hated my penis, I hated peeing even more. Sometimes, I would pee a little and then stop, and hold the rest in"
"That doesn't seem healthy"
"Well it wasn't. I got a lot of urinary tract infections as a kid because I would refuse to pee and my urethra would dry up"
"Wow, that must have hurt"
"It did, it did a lot. Thankfully none of them ever became kidney infections which I was warned about if I didn't start peeing again. None of the UTIs got so bad that the antibiotics couldn't cure me in a couple of days"
"So you want to get infections now as a girl?"
"Of course not you tosser. What do you think estrogen does to the prostate? It shrinks! Now there's no pressure behind my urine. It's awful. I have to sit on the loo and wait until I'm relaxed enough to start peeing, and it feels like it's just falling out of me like rain. At least when I was a boy I had control over my pee but as a girl I don't have a choice BUT to pee"
"That sounds like it's actually better for you in the long run because it forces you to fight your 'pee phobia' and urinate so that you don't have to deal with those issues in adulthood"
"Whatever, anything else to say about erections?"
"Well, it also feels great lying down in bed with an erection pointed into the air, it feels like a flagpole,"
"Alright, you're done talking about erections, next"
"But-"
"Next! What about ejaculation?"
"Fine. Well, if erections feel great, ejaculation feels phenomenal. It happens in a few stages"
"Please don't start talking about tadpoles"
"Are you sure you're not the furry here?"
"Actually, the correct term would be scalie"
"Ok now I want to move on from this conversation"
"lol"
"Anyway, ejaculation is like an erupting volcano. First, you feel it in the base of your cock sweltering like magma"
"Wow"
"Then, you feel it pushing up the shaft, like a thermometer ready to burst"
"That's so hot"
":D Really? Oh dammit, I fell for another pun"
"XD you're so easy"
"Wow, thanks. Well anyway, right as you're about to burst you hit your point-of-no-return, and you can feel all the energy stored in your shaft sucked back into your body, and for a few split seconds, it feels like nothing will happen at all.
But then, you get the irresistible urge to thrust as fast as you can, and you feel your prostate pulsating inside your body taking all control away from you. Cum starts shooting out of your cock like a speeding bullet. Once, twice, three times, every time you cum it's different. Sometimes it won't shoot out at all, and just pitter-patter down a man's cock as though it's crying.
Once most of it has poured out, you won't feel the need to thrust quickly anymore, but rather a few more slow jerks of your hand as the cum covers every bit of your cock like lube. Sometimes you can get another shot or two out, but finally it's time to clean up ;)"
"Wow, just wow"
"Horny yet?"
"Not at all. It was an interesting story, I'll tell you that."
"It's not just a story, it's how every penis works, including yours"
"I don't have a penis idiot, or did you forget?"
"How your penis WOULD have worked :|"
"Well I don't have it now, so what does it matter? What was the point of telling me all this? To make me feel bad?"
"No, of course not, it was to help you discover your own sexual feelings in the body you have now. You have male body parts that have been remapped, but because you don't know what they felt like originally, you don't know what to look for in your new body"
"So I should try ejaculating? 9_9"
"No, but you should try to mimic the ejaculatory response. When your genitals engorge, you'll reach a point when they begin to pulsate as well. Find your point-of-no-return, and pass over it to have your first orgasm!"
"Pffft, yeah right, I've been fingered before and my genitals have never done anything like that"
"And you didn't orgasm at all? You don't mean by a doctor, do you?"
"No, of course I don't mean a check-up by the doctor dunce. I was fingered by... someone else..."
I went on to tell the entire story of how I really came out to my friends as trans for the first time. Before my surgery, I wouldn't outwardly present as trans. Sure, I knew how to present myself when going to the doctor's office so that they'd keep giving me hormones and signing off on my transition. I knew exactly what to tell them so that they would be able to get rid of my penis as fast as possible.
Now that I reflect back on it, why did I tell him this? Why did I tell a complete stranger one of the most intimate details of my life? Well, instead of relaying our Kik conversation, I'll give you the whole story.
I took a gap year off before university to complete my transition.
I moved out of my house beforehand, since my parents... I don't want to talk about that now. I had to move out for college anyway. I had enough money to live on my own for at least a year.
In Thailand, our school year starts in May and I had just had my 18th birthday on March 8th, so in May of 2014. I started with breast augmentation and, if that went smoothly, onto bottom surgery in the same year. I asked for 34C breasts, not too big and not too small. I didn't want to look like a hooker but I also wanted to pass as a woman. The surgery was a success and nothing went wrong. I had also started hair removal around this time which was necessary before the surgery.
The moment of truth was finally here. I scheduled my bottom surgery for early November, so that I would be finished before the end of the year. It was a grueling experience, easily the most pain I've ever been in my entire life. However, I never once regretted my choice. When they finally took the bandages off and I didn't see a penis, it was pure elation. I didn't care what I had to do from now on, as long as I didn't have my penis, I would be happy.
I had to get used to "vaginal" discharge, along with douching several times a week, but this I didn't mind. I always had such a problem with hygiene and my penis, that I had no problem with learning hygiene for my vagina. It was exciting in a way. Last, but not least, if you have been following this story you know the part I dread the most: dilators. When the nurse first showed me my set of vibrators I thought they looked like alien probing devices.
I remember when the nurse inserted my first dilator. I was overcome by feelings of being a thing. I felt like an object that was being adjusted, calibrated, made to fit the mold of the subject observing me. I can still feel it when I dilate myself, but not nearly to the same extent that I felt it with her. She could tell that I was feeling uncomfortable, but I didn't tell her the truth. I just blamed it on the dilator.
My recovery lasted well into December, and they don't do much for celebrating Christmas in Thailand. I always loved celebrating it during my childhood in Singapore, and it would be the first Christmas that I wouldn't spend with all my friends and family.
Well, that is until I came out to my best friend Ethan for the very first time...
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