Dear Diary
Today, I can’t express in words how happy I am! Happiness seems to be overflowing from the heart. Today, I am overwhelmed. Anjali Didi gave me a sari today. For the first time, I felt like a true woman. Day by day I am expressing more about my femininity.
18/ 10/ 2018, Jay Sengupta
It’s just a diary entry two years back. As soon as I opened the diary, my eyes went to it. Although two years have been passed, the memories are still fresh. After passing out from college, I got a job in a private company, the salary is fair enough. There was no lack of anything but was only the one whom I would choose as my life partner. Maybe I didn’t have that kind of attempt to find someone special. There was no marriage pressure from home either. I thought I just got a job. I should save some big amount of money. That’s exactly what I started doing. Initially, I started looking for a good rented house with a little amount of rent.
After much searching, I finally found a house on the recommendation of an old friend. A medium-sized house, on the second floor, a bed, a kitchen, a bathroom, what more could you want? The rent is very low. The owner of the house is a divorced woman living with her 5-year-old daughter. When I first heard about the harshness and strict behaviour of the owner of the house, I thought I would not take the house. I didn’t like it when the owner is too strict. It will always be better to be a little friendly. But no matter how good or bad the owner is, you can hardly find such a good rented house anywhere else.
So my fate was sealed and started living there with one list warning: you cannot enter after 11 pm; alcohol is prohibited; women are not allowed to enter; nasty behaviour of any kind is forbidden; and so on.
But who would have thought that Anjali Di (the name of the owner) would develop such a beautiful brother-sister relationship so early with me? Now she is closer than any of my family members. She as if adopted me as her brother. I have heard a lot about the tenant’s relationship with the landlord of the house. I also have seen a lot in the movie. But I didn’t know it could be so beautiful in reality.
Anjali Sen is her full name. She is a fashion designer and a model by profession. Her experience in this profession is long enough. However, if you want to be a fashion designer or a model, you have to look smart, modern, and beautiful. This is probably the first criteria according to me. She wears such a beautiful dress. It is amazing to see. I sometimes imagine, if I was a girl, how wonderful it would be! How boring to live this male life! God, why don’t you make me a girl? Here grows the desire in me to become a woman, it first developed after seeing Anjali Didi (well, in Bengali ‘Didi’ means elder sister). And it had to happen! In front of my eyes, Anjali Didi used to wear beautifully designed clothes, different types of lipsticks, cosmetics, nail polish, and many more! This attracted me. Sometimes, she put the girls’ clothes in front of my eyes and said, “Look at Jay, how is it? I designed it.” Naturally, a latent desire to become a woman began to spurt in my mind. It went to an extent when Anjali Didi used to call me, “Hey Jay, why don’t you help me while I am putting on my sari? Come and hold the plate of this sari for a while. It’s not happening alone.” I felt surprised and embarrassed at the same time. Didi probably started considering me a woman instead of a man. This was probably the reason she started remaining so frank towards me. I was quite happy in my mind. I didn’t realize why I always aspired to enrol my name in a venture of woman. Maybe something was there in my mind as I yearned, “If I could wear a sari, blouse, makeups, jewellery like Anjali Di, it would be so fascinating, so charming! Why do girls have all fun!” A kind of hunger or a desire began to form in my mind. It is the hunger or desire to be a woman, to feel like a woman, dressing up in girl’s clothes and costumes.
As the days went by, the desire to become a girl was heightening. I couldn’t even articulate my inner feminine feeling to anyone. Anjali Didi was such a close person to me, but still, something stuck to say, “Didi, can you make me like you today? I want to be an elegant woman like you.” I just waited, thinking that maybe one day that opportunity will come in my life, when Didi herself will come and say, “From today you are not my brother, you will be my sister!”
Eventually, that wait came to an end. One day, Didi suddenly came to me and said, “Well, Jay, why don’t you become a girl? God may have made a mistake by making you a boy instead of a girl. You look very unfair in this outfit.”
I was startled, and asked, “Why didi? Why do you suddenly feel like that? Why are you suddenly questioning my manliness? Do you think I look like a girl?”
Didi answered back with a warm smile, “No, not at all, it seemed to me all of a sudden. Whatever you know about girls’ costumes, girls’ makeup, any girl will lose a bet against you.”
I reacted in a little silly way, “Right? That is your credit! You have educated me so much about girls.”
“Well, believe me, you will look stunning in girl’s get up!” Didi said with a mischievous smile.
“Don’t make fun of me. This is enough.” I could not protest appropriately. I expected Didi to say more of it. Inward I was having fun. A decent feeling was coming.
Then without further ado, Didi said straight, “Well Joy, tomorrow is your office holiday, you’ll be home all day, so I thought I’d give you a new Ghaghra and Choli I designed. You have to wear it. I want to see how you look. Get available early in the morning. Okay?”
I was stunned again, I said with a smile of shame on my face, “What? What are you saying? Ghagra and Choli? Do I have to wear? Why?”
“Why means? I won’t allow any explanation. Just wear it. This will be fun. I know that you want this from your heart. You want to dress up in girls’ clothes. I can read your mind.” Didi became serious.
“What are you saying? Aren’t you kidding? I want to dress up in the girl… you mean?” I remained surprised by that situation.
Didi replied instantly, “I mean, there’s a girl in you, you don’t want to disclose at all, I’m right?”
I flinched a bit and said, “damn! Nonsense!” I wanted to avert the circumstance by shifting the topic.
But I got caught by my sister’s eye that day. I couldn’t keep it more a secret from that day. I admitted what was in my mind. Didi comforted me, gave me emotional support. How fortunate I felt that day. The woman I used to think of as a stranger a few days ago, would comprehend me easily, I couldn’t imagine it.
The next day, I was a new Jay! I couldn’t express my happiness, my pleasure! I faced Didi in that morning with that dream to be fulfilled very soon. She instructed me one by one what to do and what not to do.
My first job was to shave off all the hair on my body except the hair on my head and eyebrows. I thought maybe Didi would wax my whole body. Then the feeling of a real girl will come! But thinking that was probably an exaggeration! Being a girl for the first time, razor and hair remover is fine. As soon as I came out of the bathroom, Didi gave me a cream and instructed, “Apply it all over your body so that the masculinity in you may subside a little. The fragrance in it will make you feel like a woman.” That’s exactly what happened. The smell of the cream made me think of myself as a girl. It made my body soft and supple.
Then Didi give a bra and panty in my hand and said, “Go and after wearing it well come to my room.” I took them in my trembling hand. My head was going to be cut off in shame. But I did not feel so much in front of my sister. Because she is my sister as well as a friend. As if nothing is stuck in my sister’s mouth, as I turned around, and she called me again and said: “Listen, take this tape, it will help to tick your manhood.” Naturally, your manhood can wake up at any time. Tuck in such a way that it cannot be seen from the top of the panty. Practice all this from now on. It’s going to be a part of your life.”
I didn’t look at my sister’s face any more in shame, I went straight to the bathroom with the tape, bra and panty. Inside the bathroom, I put my hand on the bra and panties. How soft they are! Made of Velvet! I tucked my manhood first with the tape, making sure it will not wake up later. Then I took the panties. And slowly I covered my genitals by sliding it through my two legs. What a great feeling!
Then I started wearing a bra without any delay. Very nice fit it was. I felt a little difficulty not having the habit of wearing a bra alone. First I put the bra strap on the front, then, after pulling it back, I slipped it between my hands. The feminine feeling in my mind deliberately began to regain consciousness. I glanced at the mirror. I started combing the short hairs on my head just like a girl with a comb. For the first time, I felt like a girl. I was subdued by my excitements. After being in the bathroom for a while, when the daydream broke, I came out of there. I fastened a towel around my panties. I was too uncomfortable to go in front of my sister. Yet somehow I emerged in front of her, with my legs shivering and my head bent.
Didi spoke out as soon as she saw me, with a slight smile on her countenance, “Come, Jay! Sit down. Hey, how can you be so ashamed? There is nothing to be ashamed of in front of your elder sister. Sit quietly!”
I sat quietly in front of the dressing table without retorting anything. I can see my reflection in the front mirror. A slightly unsettling smile came out of my lips.
Didi asked, “What happened? Why are you so silent? What are you thinking of so much? This is the beginning!”
I sat up a little hesitantly and answered back, “No, nothing like that. I’m waiting for you, when will you start?”
“So rush! Listen! If you want to be a girl, you have to be patient. Keep patience. Girls don’t get so hurry when it comes to the case of makeup!” Didi replied.
She continued, “Well, let’s start immediately. Already it’s 9 a.m. It is too late now.”
Didi took out a kit and said…
“Let’s start with eyebrow threading first?”
I was surprised and said, “Why? Why eyebrows? I will face problems later.”
“Stupid! There will be no problem. Just to thread a little, so that a little feminine look will appear. No one will understand that your eyebrows are threaded.” She comforted me.
“Well, then you can,” I said.
Didi replied, “One more problem is there, that is to endure a little pain. It will hurt you a little while threading. However, if you want to be a girl, you have to suffer a lot more.”
I smiled and said, “Don’t scare me, just do it.”
She altered the look of my eyebrows in just 15 minutes. The eyebrows look a little feminine this time, they look like threaded eyebrows of college girls.
After that Didi tied my hair well with ribbons, so that, it would not fall to the front while applying makeup. Then the application of foundation on my face started. The foundation was of a renowned company, full of a feminine odour. It took 10 minutes more.
“Wait a minute, I am bringing the Ghaghra Choli.” Didi went inside another room to bring that Ghagra Choli which she had designed. I sat on the chair and immersed myself in my thoughts. Then Didi suddenly appeared, “Let’s put the salwar kameez on you first. Let’s get up.” With the help of my sister, I slowly put the Ghaghra on my body and then took my Choli just like a girl. A very beautiful feeling was coming. The fabric was very soft, embroidered, very nice to look at, very comfortable to wear. I looked at myself in the mirror. The dress naturally gave me a feminine shape. Besides, Didi brought two cloths and stuffed them into the bra cup so that my chest would look slightly lifted and the figure would look good. I was just silently watching. I had no words in my lips. I was probably drowning in feminine feelings.
Didi continued her job, “Okay, I will do your nails now… I’ll fix artificial nails. Your nails are so short! If the nails are not a little long, it does not look good after applying nail polish on it. Sit very carefully. Don’t move.”
As you are not accustomed to it, I am helping you applying nail polish, from onwards you will apply it yourself. Didi applied matching coloured nail polish on all my fingernails one by one. Then she started applying on my toenails. I was just appreciating how long it would take for a girl to dress up! How much patience it takes!
As Didi had stopped, my toe and fingernails were looking great with that colour of nail polish. They looked so natural.
“Wow, didi! You have done a great job for my nails… Is it my hands or feet? They are now so feminine.” I cried out in wonder.
Anjali Di interrupted me, “Don’t talk too much, sit carefully. I will do your face now.”
Didi finally started facial makeup. She started with eye makeup… Gradually everything was done, applying kajal, applying eyeshadow with light shade, and applying fake eyelashes. Didi attempted to bring a natural look in me. So she did not do extra makeup. Then with the liner, she made a perfect shape of my lips, and then applied a liquid lipstick mixed with light pink and light red. And just waiting for a few things…
Then she brought a wig and while fixing it on my head, she said, “Listen! As you want to be a girl, you have to learn all these things yourself. No one will adorn you every day. If you want to be a girl, you have to learn these basic things first.”
I just nodded my head. I could not say anything more. Meanwhile, as the fixing of the wig was finished off, my look got changed entirely.
I could no longer recognise myself. I could no longer discover myself in my body. It was as if a woman was glancing at me from inside the mirror. That woman is none other than me!
My silence broke through wonder, “Oh my God! Wow, Didi! You are a magician! What did you do to me? Why I’m so changed now? Where’s Jay? Who is this girl? Is that me?”
“Yes, it’s you. She is the girl inside you. Now she is liberated. She is your feminine self. Her name is Jayita” Didi answered thoughtfully.
“Well hang on. It’s jewellery time. It’s not over yet. Sit there.” Didi pushed me to the chair so that I could celebrate the rest sitting in front of the big mirror.
Didi began to fix the jewellery one by one. It gave me so much pleasure that I can’t assert in my words. My ears were not pierced, so she went for clip earrings. She also blamed me for not having holes in my ears. It is very difficult to wear earrings if there are no holes in the ears. But Didi assured me that she would take me to a beauty salon very soon and have my ears and nose got pierced there.
I stand up and saw my whole reflection in the mirror. I couldn’t believe myself! How beautiful I was looking for! How could be a male like me suddenly transform into that beautiful woman? However, all credits went to my Didi. She renovated me into a woman without any surgery or hormone doses. Every part of my body was feminine. She completely feminized me. I looked at my lips, my eyes, how beautiful they were! How feminine my hands were with painted nails and a golden bracelet! I looked at my feet, how my painted toenails raise my beauty with the beautiful anklets! I looked at my earring and other jewellery! Everything was fine! How sensational it was!
I hugged my sister and said, “Thank you for all this. I will not be able to repay this debt of yours in this life. You gave me a new life. You brought the light of happiness into my life.”
“Such an emotional fool you are! There is nothing to be so emotional about. I’m glad to have a sister today. It’s lucky to have a sister like you. Come on, live your life. From now on you can be a girl whenever you want. There are no more obstacles. And, yes, don’t try to hide anything from now on, okay?”
Without saying anything, I looked at my sister’s godlike face, I thought how good this woman is! If there were more such people in the world, then this world would be different. Didi took some photos of me in that getup.
It was started that day, then it didn’t stop. It continued. The journey of the woman in me remained persistent! Every day after returning home from the office, I started trying different clothes and costumes given by my sister. When I draped a green coloured sari for the first time holding my sister’s hand, my feelings were unique. I looked like an unmarried Bengali girl in a sari.
Within one month I learned feminine manners, how to talk like a girl, how to walk on high hills, how to bathe like a girl, how to eat like a girl, sleeping, how to gossip with another woman, everything became so feminine in me. Even the way I worked in my office became a lot like girls. Many people questioned my behaviour in the office. But I continued to avoid it. I didn’t think about it anymore, I didn’t have a headache about who thought what, who said what about me. I even went to the parlour with my sister. There I pierced my nose and ears, waxed my whole body, got manicures and pedicures. The experience of going to a beauty parlour as a girl is different. I got the feeling of being a real woman.
When people find something new, they probably forget the old thing. Maybe that’s what happened to me. I slowly forgot my male self, instead, I started to love my female self. Except for office hours, I always loved being a girl. I used to do everything like girls. I thought of myself as a girl. The only two things that distinguished me from a biological girl were two breasts on the chest and a vagina between two thighs. But I managed that with artificials. A few days after was my birthday. My sister bought a silicone breast form and hip pad as a birthday gift for me. This boosted my femininity to an excess.
6 months have been passed. There was a lot of changes in me mentally and physically. Since then I hadn’t let my moustache grow anymore. I hadn’t been to the gym since then. Being a girl came to be an ordinary thing for me. The hair on my head grown like a girl’s and started falling on the neck. I have been using very few artificial things since then. I even maintained my fingernails long and shaped so that I wouldn’t have to use artificial nails. My demeanour, speech, gestures had all become feminine. My mom and dad soon found out. They were surprised at first by the sudden change in my boy, they later accepted it. Everyone in my family is open-minded. Meanwhile, in the office, there were more female friends than male friends. They asked a variety of questions about why I was suddenly behaving like that! They even asked if I was taking hormone pills. I didn’t reply to them. I just eavesdropped and giggled shyly. My crossdressing or being a woman was not specified between the four walls, I had already gone out many times taking the form of Jayita. I was doing so many outings with Anjali Didi. I went in shorts. That offered me an additional challenge. I went to the shopping mall with Anjali Di for many times. I used to the parlour once in a week with my Didi. Not only that, I even started to go out of the city as Jayita to help her in her profession. No one ever discovered that a man was hiding behind a woman’s apparel.
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