No Turning Back - How did I become a woman from a man?

Free from everything; responsibilities, burdens and everything else. Please don’t misunderstand. I am not a criminal who has been freed from a prison nor I am a slave freed from slavery, but free to tell the world who I really am and move independently in this world without the fear of being recognised and I am happy for that. I was never miserable or sad. I am happy with a perfect life; I have a spouse and two great kids who are love of my life. To understand my story we will have to go a year back.

I looked out of my apartment window at the street below, making sure to keep my face obscured by the curtains. There was a car parked on the road near the building doors, with a couple of guys inside. How could I get out and get help? I thought it over carefully.

The guys in the car had to be Mr. Bagwaan’s men. I had worked for Mr. Bagwaan as his PA for a couple of months. I left his office in a hurry last night when he had come back early, and almost caught me. Somebody must’ve told him who had been in and who was going through his account.

They could see the door, but they hadn’t come to look for me yet. They must’ve thought I hadn’t come back. So I had to get out soon, and get past them. How? I looked around my small flat for some kind of disguise. Disguise! That was it! Jasmine, my next door neighbour was an aspiring actress, and often left her balcony door open which was right besides mine. Leaving a lot of her kit around for ’emergencies’. I grabbed for a wig, and a few of her clothes, and sat down in front of a mirror with her make-up bag to see what I could achieve.

I didn’t achieve much, needless to say, but a thick layer of foundation cream did wonders for my skin tone, and lipstick and blush reshaped my main features. I looked like a man in drag, but I didn’t look like the man Bagwaan’s hired help were looking for. Thick tights hid my scarcely hairy legs, and a loose woman’s coat hid my shape. I had found a pair of sandals that could just about fit my feet, the high heels weren’t too high or hard to control, and the wig reshaped my head. I walked out of the front of the building and away from the watchers’ car without a glance behind. I was trembling as I turned at the nearest corner, but no-one followed. I breathed a big sigh of relief and headed straight for ACP Vikas Patil’s office.

My daydream was interrupted as the receptionist motioned me that I could go into Mr. Patil’s office. I quickly mumbled a thanks as I walked past her and retreated to the confines of his office.

“Hey hello what can I do for you Missss… ?”

“Hello sir my name is Apurva Shinde. I used to work for Micron Inc. as PA to Mr. Khalil Bagwaan”

“Ah but Mr. Bagwaan PA was a guy and you are … ”

I removed my wig and revealed to him who I was. “I need your help Mr. Patil. I did something really bad and I’m in A LOT of trouble! You know that company I was working for right?” He nodded and replied “Yea.. That big one. Uhmm. Micron Inc., I believe that’s what you mentioned. Did you get fired or something?? But no… You could not have. You are the President’s assistant.”

“WAS is the proper word. I was recently going through that fat bastard’s files when I noticed that Micron is into a lot of illegal operations. And I mean REALLY illegal. Well, to tell you the truth, I myself was skimming a little from the top. I mean … I was in-charge of most of the commerce type duties around the office. It was so easy. Anyway, I started to notice small things; like people would stop talking when I walked into the room, and the president of the company actually started locking me out of his office. I think… now I know that they have found out either that I’ve seen their operations or that I’ve taken some money. I need your help.”

I had known Mr. Patil since I had started working for Bagwaan. He had a good understanding with Bagwaan but had a clash with him a month ago and Mr. Patil had sworn to put him behind bars and was collecting evidences for that. I just gave everything I had against Bagwaan to Mr. Patil which could put that man behind bars for good, but until he was arrested, I had to lay low. My accommodations were made in a nearby hotel with the police protection; and the operation to catch Khalil Bagwaan started.

Next day morning I got the news that Bagwaan had escaped from the police clutches and had put a bounty of 1 million to kill me as his revenge. I was devastated. I had nowhere to go. I was stuck in that hotel. But for how long? The bounty was big enough that someday someone would come and get me for good.

A month later, I got a message from Mr. Patil to meet him in the hotel parking. Reluctantly I went to see him. As I reached the parking lot and was waiting for Mr. Patil, a van suddenly arrived and stopped behind me. As the door opened, somebody put a rug on me and hit me at the back of my head. I fell unconscious. When I came to my senses I was strapped to a chair in a dark room. I struggled to free myself but to no avail. Just then the lights went on and a TV screen was switched on. And I found myself staring at Mr. Patil.

“Hello Apurva. I am sorry we are meeting like this. But this is for your own safety. I cannot trust my own system anymore. Hence I had to kidnap you and send you to a safe place.” Just as Mr. Patil was talking, the door opened and a person came in. He nodded to Mr. Patil and untied my ropes and sat besides me.

“This, Apurva, is Inspector Darshan Pradhan. He will take care of everything for you until Khalil Bagwaan is arrested. As you know by now your life is in danger. He is the most trusted officer in my team. So please cooperate with him. That’s for your own good.”

I said ok and the screen was blank again.

Darshan offered me some water and snacks and sat down to discuss his plan.

“So Apurva, as you can grasp the seriousness of the situation, we need to hide you in such a way that Bagwaan’s men or Bagwaan are not be able to find you. Do you have any suggestion?” I was blank with realization that if found out, I would be dead. I said I don’t have any. Then Darshan started to describe his plan, “Well one thing is confirmed they are looking for a 28 yrs. old male with height 5.8” but what if there is no such guy at all?”

“Means? We can change my appearance to look older but how can I change my height?” I asked. “Well, we have a slightly different plan. I am thinking that we will have to disguise you as a woman that too a married one.” I was totally confused, he continued, “Mr. Patil told me as to how you met him in a women’s attire and fooled the mob. So in line with that, we will change you into a woman and nobody will doubt you if you appear to be married with a child and a husband.” I was amazed at his plan but I had doubts if I can appear natural as a married woman. So I asked as how that was possible? He said, “One step at a time…”

Darshan got up and went outside. I followed him. When I came out of the door, I saw that I was in the living room of a flat and a little girl of 3 years was playing in one corner of the room. “Diya”, Darshan called her and introduced me to her. She was a good kid. I became immediately fond of her. Darshan asked me to freshen up and baby sit Diya as he had to find a doctor who would help us.

For a few days I was taking care of Diya while Darshan was looking for a doctor. Finally Darshan found a doctor who could help out. Before visiting the doctor, Darshan and I discussed about the plan he had thought of. I were to disguise myself as Darshan’s wife and live with him till either Bagwaan is killed or captured. But for the plan to work without any glitch or slip up, I had to go through some reversible surgeries so that nobody would recognize me.

We visited the Dr. Sathe and Diya was with us. “Oh hello Mr. Darshan… so this is the person we are talking about?”

“Yes Dr. Sathe. This is Akhilesh Satam we talked about him last night.” I quizzily looked at Darshan but kept quiet. Dr. Sathe gave us a rundown of the process, “Akhilesh, as Mr. Darshan told me that for your protection we need to change you completely in to another gender. But from what I understand you would like to go back to what you were after all of this is over. Am I correct?”

“Yes doctor.” I replied.

“Ok first I need to examine you to decide how much time it will take to change you right from your physical examination to your blood work. It will take only an hour for what I need. Are you ok with it?” I nodded yes.

An hour after the examination Dr. Sathe called us in and he started, “I first thought that it would take around 6 months to change you but going through you test results and examinations, I can conclude it will take only 3 months for your change. You have Gynecomastia because of which you has a puffy chest. You must have been cursing yourself for that condition before, but that condition is what is going to save your life my friend. Gynecomastia is an enlargement or swelling of breast tissue in males. It is most commonly caused by male estrogen levels that are too high or are out of balance with testosterone levels. So what we are going to do is we are going to give you a dose of Estrogen every week.”

“Estrogen is a hormone that plays various roles in the body. In females, it helps develop and maintain both the reproductive system and female characteristics, such as breasts and pubic hair. In your case it will help you gain more female characteristics. After 3 months, you will undergo hip and breast enlargement surgery. You can decide what size breast you would like and likewise we will adjust your hips and also, all these surgeries are reversible; so don’t worry. If you ask me to match your body structure and the disguise you would be in, you should have a C cup breast but it’s up to you. As for your facial hair, due to your medical condition your beard is scarce. Either you can get laser treatment for your beard or you can shave it every day to keep up the disguise.”

After listening to Dr. Sathe I was a little afraid as it was too much for me to digest but when he said that all of that was reversible, I felt a bit relaxed. I told Dr. Sathe that I was ready for everything as this was going to save my life.

After taking the first dose from the doctor, we came out. When we were out of earshot from other people, I asked Darshan as to why you gave a wrong name to the Doctor. He just replied “for secrecy and your safety.” When we were back at Darshan’s apartment, Diya had become restless. So I just changed her clothes and fed her and she went to sleep.

Darshan asked me, “How are you so good with children? I had to learn all these things to take Diya’s care after her mother died. But you did it naturally.”

“Well when you are the eldest in an orphanage you get the duty of handling other children. I like children so I liked that duty.”

“Orphanage?” Darshan asked.

“Well I myself don’t know who were my real parents. I was bought up in Kantabai Shinde orphanage. I took the owners surname as nobody was ready to adopt me. Only option for me was to study a lot and become successful, the rector of the orphanage was a kind person; he let me stay over there till I got a job. Looking at my achievements in my academics, I got a job as an assistant in Micron Inc. and with my hard work of 5 years, I became Bagwaan’s PA. But after getting to know about Khalil’s illegal operations, I started to collect evidences and also embezzled money from the company for my own safety and protection in the future. Enough about me what about you?”

Darshan smiled with a glimpse of appreciation upon hearing my story.

I was still looking at Darshan to know about his story.

“Well as you can see I am a single parent. Right now I am on sabbatical, to take care of my child well. Rest is confidential at least for the time being. But now we have 3 months to make you a passable housewife. Your training will start tomorrow. So, I suggest you have a good sleep.” Darshan said in a responsible tone.

The next morning when I got up, Darshan was already ready to go out. “Apurva I need to take care of paper-work for you but I have taken care of your training. Diya’s aunt will be coming in a while. As from what I have seen till now, you don’t really need any training in baby care. But for looks and female deportment, we will have to start from scratch. So Damini will be training you for the same. I hope its ok?”

I just nodded a yes nervously. After a while, the doorbell rang and I cautiously opened the door. In front of me was a beautiful lady in her mid-thirties, dressed in a yellow Patiala suit. Diya saw her and immediately ran to her and she happily picked her up. It looked like Diya was fond of her aunt. Seeing Diya comfortable with her, I let her in feeling relieved. I gave her a glass of water.

She started by introducing herself, “Hello you must be Apurva. I am Damini. Darshan told me about you. Please don’t be so tensed. I am here to help you out.” After taking a sip she straight away came to the point, ”Apurva, as I told you that Darshan has told me everything about you and I am here to take care of your training. Don’t worry your secret is safe with me. I will be teaching you everything there is to be taught for becoming a female. Let’s start by first taking you measurements.”

“Measurements?” I asked a bit confused. While taking the measurements she answered, “Of course darling. Look we have only three months for your surgery till then you have to be … I won’t say skilled but at least good in your disguise. You will be acting as Darshan’s wife and Diya’s mother in front of the society. Darshan in the meanwhile will be joining his office and create a history for both of you over there for your easy transition into acting as his wife. You have to take care that there are no slipups in your act for your as well as Darshan’s family’s safety. If they get to know who you are, you will be in danger as well as Darshan. So you have to start as early as possible and the first thing of becoming a female is feeling like one and it can be only done with wearing female attire. Hmm… I have an idea let me see.” Damini went into Darshan’s room and came out with a set of clothes.

“Let’s try these for size.” She gave me the clothes and stood there expectantly. I looked at her and asked her surprised, “You mean like now?”

“Then when? after eternity? Go on, in you go and change into what I have given you.”

I took the clothes into the room and closed the door. I was thinking what mess I have put myself into, but then I realized this was my own doing and this was a matter of life and death. The clothes pile had a bra, a panty, and a slip and salwaar suit. I undressed myself I took the panty first. It was the easiest as I had to wear it like my underwear but when the panty touched my thighs, I felt goosebumps. Never had I felt this excited in my life; the soft fabric, the feel, it was boggling. Now came the hard part – the bra! I tried to wear the bra in many ways but to no avail.

After a few minutes of trying I heard a knock on the door. “Do you need any help?” Damini asked. I wrapped a towel around my waist and opened the door with the bra in hand. Damini giggled and said, “I knew you would have trouble with that.” She advised me on how to wear a bra, to wrap the bra on my chest and fasten it in front then pull in such a way that the bra cups come in front, lean forward a little to adjust your breast in the bra cups and then put on the bra straps. My lessons into the womanhood started with my first bra.

Damini told me, “The bra size you are wearing right now is 38 B but I think the doctor has advised you of C cup size. Later on I will bring you the right size bra.” She filled the bra cups with balled up napkins to get the illusions of breasts. Then I wore the slip and salwaar suit which was a perfect fit. I was confused as to how Darshan had a perfect set of clothes lying around in his home. Then I got to know that these clothes were of his wife’s and he still kept all his wife’s belongings for her memories.

She also added jokingly that we do not have to build a new wardrobe for me as these clothes were a fit with a little alterations on the breast department. But I asked with a guilt as to how I can wear them.

“Don’t worry.” she said, “Darshan is a professional. He will understand. As is the case, we are of the same size. I also wear her clothes sometimes so no worries.”, she said. Damini asked me to come out. While going out of the room I had a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked like a man in a dress with a beard on my face. I asked Damini to wait for me and went to the bathroom, I shaved off my beard, cleaned myself up and then went in front of Damini.

“Good you shaved off your beard. Now you look somewhat presentable. We will start with a salwaar suit and later on progress to saree and other dresses.” I blushed. Was it because I liked it or because of shame? I did not know.

“Before you run you need to learn to walk likewise before how you look, we need to learn as to how to carry yourself. As it is we don’t have any make up material in the house. So for the time being, just use this bindi, lipstick and kaajal and then we will learn delicate attributes of being a female like the walk, talk and behavior.” She brought a big metal pot from the kitchen and gave it to me. “This metal pot you have to balance on your head and walk in such a way that the pot should not fall. When you get used to it, we will make it a little harder. This is so that you will learn to walk like the women do. To balance and walk you have to take steps in a single line which will automatically sway your hips sideways and you will be able to swing your hands to balance the pot.”

She kept the pot on my head. I tried to balance the pot and walk but every time the pot used to fall with a loud noise and Diya would get scared of the noise and cry. So later on, I tried very hard to balance the pot after few more failed attempts I was finally able to balance it perfectly and walk. Damini told me to do this exercise every day for at least two hours so that my muscle would memorize it and it would come naturally to me later on. At 5 o clock she said that she had to leave. She warned me to only wear women’s clothes to get used to it and to never wear men’s clothes at least till all this is over. She gave me her contact and kissed Diya goodnight.

It had been an hour since Damini had left I called up Darshan he said it would take him two more hours to reach home and to order something for dinner. Diya was a little bit restless due to hunger so I gave her a glass of milk. I also observed something that Diya would sheepishly glance at me and every time I went near her, she would ask to be picked up. This was not the case till yesterday, then it clicked me I was now wearing a salwaar suit instead of tracksuit and she was happy being around me now. Normally I would have ordered the food but I myself was not fond of outside food and being a bachelor, I had a good knack of cooking. I saw what was stocked up in the kitchen and just made dinner with what was available. So I thought, one more thing what women do out of the way.

Darshan arrived home at 8 pm. He was surprised to see me in a salwaar suit but didn’t say anything. I gave him water and asked him to freshen up. At the dinner table I was a little embarrassed being dressed in his wife’s clothes but I asked, “I hope you don’t mind, Darshan? Damini ordered me to do so.”

“I don’t mind it Apurva as it’s the need of time and situation but I am surprised that you readily agreed. I thought you would be angered with all of this and would try to run away.”

“At first I had the same thoughts, but instead of this shame, my life is more important and so I complied.”

“Fine by me Apurva you can take whatever you need, even the ornaments. But I expect you to take care of whatever you borrow.”

“Thanks Darshan I will take good care.”

”Apurva I have sent a request for a new identity for you. I have only asked them to change your sex in the documents and your maiden surname, your credentials will be the same like your degree and academics but just different schools. For every work and purpose, your maiden was Apurvaa Sawant – ‘Apurvaa’ with an extra A and from now on, you are Mrs. Apurvaa Pradhan – my lawfully wedded wife and mother to my daughter Diya. Rest of the details are on a need to know basis like the date of our marriage which would be 21st of May. We have been married for last 4 years. Diya’s and my birthday falls on the same date that is 25th of March. I have made you a year younger and your date of birth would be 1st August. Rest you do the math. As for relatives, to tell you the truth we don’t have any. My parents died in a car accident when I had just joined the police force. We are from Karad. As for you, we will go with the orphan story which you told me but the orphanage will be of Pune, Diwakar Sawant orphanage. Rest we can create our self. But be sure to record it and we will update it with each other. We both should stick to the common story. There should not be any mismatch.” I just nodded a yes.

That night when I put Diya to bed she was not ready to leave me she wanted me to sleep with her. Was it because I was wearing her late mother’s clothes? I couldn’t say no to her and just slept with her.

Next day morning, I woke up late tired, my dress was a mess. I just made myself presentable and went out. The bra straps were pressing thru my skin and I was having chest pain due to towels pressed against my chest. I removed everything and went for a bath. After the bath when I came out, Darshan was setting table for breakfast for both of us. When he saw me he immediately came near me and asked me to turn around. He removed the towel from my waist and before I could react wrapped it around my chest. “Mrs. Apurvaa Pradhan women wrap towel around their chest and not around their waist and married Indian women take their clothes with them when they go for a bath. Please don’t forget that.” “How would I know Darshan I have never been near a woman all my life.”, I said. “Never?” “Yes Darshan never. I was so busy in academics and then my career, I never got the time.” Darshan apologized and we had our breakfast. Darshan had to leave for Mumbai to take care of accommodations and discuss the plan of action for my case and asked me to take Diya’ s care while he was gone. Damini would come later to take care of my training. I just said, I will take care of Diya, as from now on, she was my daughter too. He was relieved and left.

I made lunch for both Damini and me. I wore a Punjabi dress that day. Damini came by ten. That day we had some minor chit chat and again my training started. She handed me a bag of lingerie store. When I saw what was in the bag, I felt a little embarrassed. The bag was filled with about a dozen different types of bra in the size of 38 C . She gave me description of what bra to wear with which dress, and I felt beet red with embarrassment. She understood my situation and said, ” Apurvaa we keep this in mind that we are both women now, and these are normal talk between women. The sooner you understand and accept this, the better. Now wear this bra.”

Damini handed me a normal cotton bra. I was about to go to bedroom to change. “No” she commanded, “In front of me.” I just did what I was told. I removed my top, I was wearing a sports bra ,she didn’t say anything. I removed the bra too; the balled up towel fell down. I wore the bra as I was taught yesterday and was about to pick up the towels she stopped me. She gave me another bag that had bags filled with whole lentils (masoor) and tied up at the ends. She said, ”Apurvaa, these are stockings filled with lentils. Both are of approximate size of C cup breasts. From now on, you will be putting these two babies in your bra to get used to the weight of breasts.” I said ok but I also told her my morning dilemma and pain. She just said to bear with it. Normally women sleep without their bra in a nighty or whatever they wear in the night but for me, at least till the surgery, I will have to bear the pain.

Then she took out a makeup box. She showed me every item in the box and what purpose it is used for. “Today darling we are just going thru daily makeup routine I will do your make now listen carefully the process later on you will wash it up and do it yourself.”

She did my makeup describing along what she was doing. When she was finished, I saw in the mirror expecting a man in drag but to my surprise, I saw a woman staring back at me. ”Apurvaa you have an androgynous face. I think because of that, Darshan thought of this plan. With just a simple make up you look like a beautiful woman. No one would say that you are a man.”

I was totally mesmerized at what I was looking at in the mirror, but I was distracted with the tightness in my panties, embarrassed I ran in to the washroom and relieved my self and came back red faced. Damini didn’t say anything but gave me another bag, “Apurvaa this is a gaff which will help you avoid these type of accidents, it will hide your bulge, give a flat front and show the camel hump while you are in your panties.” I took the gaff went to the bathroom removed my pants and the panties. I wore the gaff and then the panties. With my make and what I was wearing at the time nobody would be able to tell that I am a man. I wore the pants again washed my face and went back to Damini to try the makeup myself. After some attempt I was able to get the desired look. I was nervous with all these things but Damini made me comfortable with her support.

Later, we were disturbed by the message tone on the mobile, the message was from Darshan that he had reached Mumbai but will have to stay there for a month to complete the formalities. It was time for lunch. I started setting the table while Damini took care of Diya’s needs.

Damini asked, “Who made lunch?” “Me”, I replied. “Wow one lesser task for me to teach.” We had a good laugh.

Later Damini asked me to do the walking exercise I had done yesterday while she played with Diya. After about 2 hrs. Damini left and I was alone with Diya. Diya asked me to pick her up, which I did and we played in the house in the night. I fed here some food and milk while I had my dinner. I took her to her room. Diya insisted me to read a bed time story and I happily obliged. In the midst of the story, Diya was fast asleep, I started to get up but she had grabbed my sleeve because of which I was not able to get up or free myself away from this angel, so I just slept with her.

A week went by like this. I was taking care of the house and Diya, and Damini teaching me various type of makeup, and my training in walking and general female behavior as to how to sit and stand and everything.

That Monday I was ready in my male clothes to go to Dr. Sathe’s hospital with Diya and Damini. When Damini came in, she shockingly asked “What the hell are you doing in those clothes?”

“We need to go to Dr. Sathe for my next dose, we discussed it yesterday remember?”

“Well duh! But not in those clothes.” I was confused but when it clicked me, I just said, “Oh no no no no… I am not wearing any female clothes and going out.”

“Yes dear you are… Remember what we talked the day we first met. Just think of this as part of your training; you need to get out in public as a woman, you have to study other women as to how they behave, how they act, but they would not let you near them in this outfit, you have to be a woman to go near one and stare at them and not get beaten for staring. So please change.”

After much pleading and this practical answer, we went back into the house and I became a woman I was meant to be with a new Punjabi Suit and Diya on my hip and a hand bag.

We left for Dr. Sathe’s OPD. But when I stepped out of the house I was a total wreck while walking from our house towards the rickshaw stand I felt that everybody was staring at me, They knew that I was masquerading as a woman. Even while travelling in the rickshaw, I felt that the driver will look at me and laugh at my predicament but the driven didn’t even give me a second glance; then I calmed down. When Damini saw all this, she just told me that it was all my imagination, everybody was looking at me as they would look at any mother with her daughter and luckily I was carrying Diya on my hips that helped me a lot.

“Come on girl, be a woman!” She said and giggled. That really made my mood light and also made me confident enough to carry myself. We had a light brunch before going in the OPD and meet with Dr. Sathe.

Dr. Sathe was a professional he directly came to the point, we discussed about my condition and he gave me the shot but while leaving he just commented that it was good that I was getting comfortable in women’s role and I appreciated it.

A month passed on. By the end of the month, I was well-versed in every female department. I was able to do what they say “walk the walk and talk the talk’. I could easily carry any women outfit. Damini had also taught me different styles of wearing a saree like regular wear, party wear, travelling wear, everything. Well I had become so fond of saree that I would usually wear saree at home. I felt very comfortable in it. Saree had become my every day wear. I had become so proficient in the disguise that many a times, I went to market dressed as a woman and bought things, bargaining as the women do.

The day before Darshan was due to arrive. After I had done my training of walking in heels, I wanted to use the bathroom. I rushed to the bathroom. I thought that Damini was with Diya so I pushed the bathroom door.

Damini was surprised and yelped ”Apurvaa!” I saw Damini washing her face. I said sorry and was about to close the door and noticed something odd. Damini was a little scared looking in mirror at my refection. I heard my name but the voice was not Damini but of Darshan. But then I was shocked as I was able to identify Darshan. That was a shocking surprise for me.

“Darshan! What is all this? Where is Damini? Why are you wearing Damini’s clothes?” Terrified Darshan said, “Apurvaa please calm down. I will explain everything. Please wait for me in the hall. I will be with you in a moment.” I was baffled but I was not able to react and just went out and sat on the sofa.

After a while Damini came out adjusting her saree and with her makeup box. She sat beside me, took my hand in hers and started, ”Apurvaa I am sorry but there is no Damini.”

“What! What do you mean?”

“Apurvaa please let me complete. I can understand your anger but what you were going through was an absolute disturbing and on top of that, you had to change your gender to save your life was hell. If I had trained you as a man, you would not have done it whole heartedly because of embarrassment and I did not want that. So I created Damini. I am really sorry for this ruse but I wanted you to be proficient in the disguise and the best way to teach you to become woman would have been by a woman. I did not want any other person involved, only ACP Patil, Dr. Sathe and I know your identity, nobody else so this had to be done.”

I was puzzled and curious at the same time I had many question in my mind but I also understood his reasons for doing this.

“But Darshan how do you know all these thing about women. Hell! You gave me a lecture on women hygiene for crying out loud?”

“Apurvaa do you remember when I was telling you about myself, I said that the rest is confidential? Well I was an undercover cop before my wife’s death. For being an undercover agent, we are trained in various field and one of them is disguise. You need to be absolute and proficient in your disguise. You need to observe every minute details of the person you are going to be disguised as and execute the change to perfection or else things can go south and very bad. That is why I always used to tell you to observe whenever we were out of the house and you adapted quite beautifully.” I blushed.

“ But Darshan the first day when I met Damini, Diya went to you immediately what was that?” Now it was Darshan’s turn to blush and sheepishly said. “Apurvaa this is not the first time for me. Before my wife’s death I was seldom at home due to my work. I could not be near my family as would I have liked to. The car crash story is real, my wife also died in that accident with my parents. Diya was with me at the time. After their death, Diya used to cry a lot for her mother and had no way to calm her. Then I thought of this and became Damini for her. The first day I went in front of her as Damini she rushed towards me hugged me so tightly. It was the most beautiful memory. She never cried since that day and I became Damini often.”

“But Darshan why the lies of going to Mumbai when you would be still here as Damini.”

“Apurvaa you are going to act as Diya’s mother so it was very important that you two bond. If I had been here, Diya would never acted the way she is doing right now. It looks like you are her real mother.” That was true. In this one month Diya had become very close to me. She had even started calling me Apumaa instead of Apuvaa. I had one more question, “But then why the surgery? You could have easily disguised me as you are now?”

“Apurvaa you don’t know the recent development in the Khalil Bagwaan case. All the people who were near Bagwaan, who could recognize him are either dead or untraceable. You are the only person now who can recognize him. So we need you to be near his office or home to confirm his identity. One slip up in your disguise can jeopardize the whole mission and also you and Diya will be in danger. I don’t want that, hence the surgery.”

“Ok I can live with it but Darshan promise me one thing. Damini will be there whenever I or Diya need her.” “Apurvaa I promise.”

Days went by, every day Darshan or Damini whoever was around, used to correct me on my slipups which helped me a lot and the hormone dosage were also as per schedule.

After three months, we went to Dr. Sathe. Diya was with me and I had asked Damini to accompany me to the doctor. Dr. Sathe examined me and also asked a nurse to take my measurements. He started “Well Apurvaa after the hormone treatment and fat distribution your bust size has become a 38 B. We will be doing a surgery to enhance that to a size C and have it shaped as that of a woman. The material we will be using will be surgical grade Saline Textured implants which will develop scar tissue to stick to the implant, making them less likely to move around inside of the breast and become repositioned. Same will be used for your hips. Well do you have any question about this or any other concern?”

“ Well doctor for a last few days I have observed that some kind of liquid is coming out of my nipples. I am very concerned.”

“Let me have a look Apurvaa.” Dr. Sathe examined my nipples when he pressed my breast in a particular manner, a stream of white liquid came out. I was shocked then Dr. Sathe told me that I was lactating, it was a side effect of hormone treatment and can be stopped by changing some component of my hormone dose. “Lactating?” I asked. Dr. Sathe explained that I was producing what was called mother’s milk. “What! Does it mean doctor that I can feed a baby now?” “Apparently yes you can.” I was about to faint but I composed myself.

Dr. Sathe gave us the schedule for the surgery and we left the office. Damini was quite for the whole journey from the clinic to the house. “A penny for your thought?” “Huh!” I asked Damini, “What you are thinking?”

“Lactation Apurvaa! I was thinking of lactation. I think this disguise will be more solid if we had one more child.”, Damini sounded excited.

“Lactation! you mean, I be a breast feeding mother? No!!! As it is that I have to carry a burden of being a female, now you want me to be a mother? No, I am not doing it.”

“Why?”

“First, from where will you bring a baby and what will happen to the baby after all this is over?”

“Well I can get a baby from the orphanage and after all of this is over, I can put it for adoption.”

“Let me think on it please. “ I said. We had dinner and went to sleep.

The whole night I was not able to sleep. Every thought concluded with the concern for the baby. Well, Diya had her father but what about the other baby? Darshan’s explanation for the disguise was true. If people see me as a breastfeeding mother and with all those surgeries, nobody would be able to distinguish me from a natural woman. Darshan had said bluntly that he will put the baby for adoption, but being an orphan myself, I was against that idea. I decided I will be adopting that baby. The next day morning I gave my decision to Darshan. I called Dr. Sathe and asked him if the lactation can be continued after the surgery. He gave me a positive answer and said that I will just have to continue with the same dosage after the surgery just that it would be once a month and not once a week.

The surgery went well. As I was recovering from the surgery. One day I just heard “Apumaa”. I saw in the direction. It was Diya who had come to visit me. She just ran towards me and hugged me.

“Careful Diya. Apumaa is not feeling well.”

I just blinked at Darshan indicating I was ok with it. Diya was an angel. When I saw her I would forget about my own pains. Was it hormone effect or just love and care for the child? I don’t know but I liked it.

At day of my discharge I had changed into a saree and waiting for Darshan and Diya to pick me up but a nurse brought in a baby about six months old. She just placed the baby in my lap. I was confused at what was happening. Then Damini came in with Diya and not Darshan. Damini said, “Sorry Apurvaa I could not bring Yash earlier as the hospital environment was not good for the baby but he is crying a lot now. I understood and just picked the crying bundle of joy in my hand ‘MY BABY’.

With my baby in my own arms, I opened my blouse with my free hand and exposed my bra cup. I lifted the bra up over my breasts to expose my C cup breasts to the evening air. I looked at my breasts. These were shaped quite like women breasts. And my baby boy was looking right at my nipple. He knew he was going to be fed, I knew it too. He had a look of excitement and anticipation on his face, as I did too. Then, holding him closer, I guided his lips to my breast. His lips touched my waiting nipple. He opened his mouth and latched on! OMG!! I was instantly shooting toward heaven! Talk about a giant sucking sound! This little fella was hungry!

I thought this must be what it feels like to have an out of control vacuum hose attached to me. I mean the feeling of having a baby human in your arms sucking on your tit is pure heaven. I could feel an outward pressure on my nipple and milk from my nipple started flowing. I covered Yash with my pallu and he fed till his heart content. Putting up with the sweet dull ache my breast was feeling at the moment. I sung hushed lullabies to him and gently stroked his little cheeks. After he settled down sucking to a nice rhythm, I moved him quickly over to my other breast and he continued suckling with the same pressure and excitement as before. What a hungry boy! He finally became drowsy and eventually fell asleep. Thank God! My breasts were sore! But I felt so much like a mother!! I felt close to him, at ease and content. At the same time Diya was being restless. I asked her to come closer and I hugged her tightly with love. I looked at Darshan, I mean Damini, I saw a faint smile of content. We had our dinner at a restaurant and then we reached home.

I had put Yash asleep in a cradle; Diya also went to bed early. I sat on the sofa to relax. Damini had changed to Darshan. He sat near me and asked, “How did you know what to do when the baby was in your lap?” I just answered that it must be the maternal instinct. There was a concern in Darshan’s face but he did not express it.

The next day we left for Mumbai. For any bystander, we looked like a family of husband wife and two children who were traveling and that was the exact scenario we wanted to show. Our accommodations were made in a flat right opposite Bagwaan’s office with the gallery facing the office entrance. A CCTV camera was installed in such a way that it recorded every person moments who were coming in or going out of the office. One of the rooms was turned into a surveillance room with a single LED TV having multiple screens. I later came to know that all these streaming were coming from Bagwaan’s office. For this mission, Darshan had joined Micro Inc. as a security in-charge. He started work the very next day. My job was to take care of the children and the house and also going through the cctv camera feed for any sign of Bagwaan.

One day, when Darshan had gone for his job the doorbell rang. I was feeding Yash and could not get up immediately. Yash was not ready to let go of me. So I just picked him up, put a shawl around my shoulder while feeding Yash underneath it and opened the door. Some 2-3 men were at the front door. One of them I recognized as the goon who was looking for me earlier. They showed me their ID mentioning that they were from Micro Inc. and had come to verify Darshan’s details. I asked them to come in. I asked Diya to go to the bedroom and brought them some water and asked them if they would like anything to drink. The goons were peeking into the bedroom and looking through our things. Luckily I had switched the bedroom TV to the satellite TV mode. They politely declined my offer. They asked me some questions for security purpose and then went away. Oh my! That was frightening the whole time. I thought that the goon would recognize me. But nothing like that happened.

Later, I told this to Darshan. He just brushed it off as a routine security check but I also pointed out that one of the men, I had recognized as the goon who was looking for me earlier. He said he would look into the matter and also keep an eye on him.

Days went by. By then, we knew every resident of the building. We attended my social parties and gatherings together to see if we could identify Khalil. But it was no use. In these parties and at home, I used to steal a glance at Darshan and catch him looking at me in a funny way.

On the other hand, it had become a frequent visit for the security goons to come and go in the building where we lived. Were they still spying on our family to ensure that Darshan can be trusted to work in their company? May be. That’s why they would come to our building often, I thought. But I used to feel a little afraid whenever they came. I used to keep both the kids close to me as if I was protecting them. When that happened, I don’t know if it was acting or I was becoming their mother.

In the meanwhile, I became friends with Mrs. Chawla; she was the lady who lived in the top floor penthouse. She was a nice and friendly lady though seldom she would come out of her flat. She liked kids and would invite me to her house every now and then. Many a times I used to go there as Diya liked the open terrace she had. But something about the lady would tick me off like looking suspiciously at me or some time talking gibberish. But I then started ignoring it.

One day, while we were having tea, the same goons came to her house. Her demeanor changed when she saw them. Why were they at her house? And why did her demeanor change? Are these guys not tracking every person we met? If that was the case, Darshan and I had to be extra careful.

Mrs. Chawla asked those goons to wait outside and excused herself and went to talk to them. There were some muffled sound and shouting coming from outside. She opened the door and banged it on their faces. She apologized and asked me politely to leave. She looked a little disturbed. Any nice woman would feel that way after interacting with goons, so I decided to leave quietly. When I was leaving, I heard the same people cursing her for her behavior and it slipped from one person’s mouth. “If he wasn’t the boss I would have killed him” but the rest of them hushed him.

First I did not understand what he meant then it occured to me, “Can Mrs. Chawla be Bagwaan’s accomplice?” I told about my doubts to Darshan. He asked me to invite Mrs. Chawla for dinner. So that he could go to Mrs. Chawla’s house and install a hidden camera in her house. I called up Mrs. Chawla and inquired if she was ok to come for dinner. She confirmed in an affirmative.

I invited her for dinner as I thought she should not be alone today with whatever happened today. Since she was always nice to me, I had started to worry about her a little. She said that she will be at our home by 8 in the evening. When she came to our house, I called up Darshan as to when he was coming. This was a cue to him that he should do his investigative work. He confirmed that he would be home within half an hour which was more than enough for him to install a camera. By 8:30 pm, he was back home smiling. I understood what happened, he had installed the hidden camera in Mrs. Chawla’s and I went on to set the table. We had a nice dinner with Mrs. Chawla and then she left after a little chat with us.

We had a great time with Mrs. Chawla at dinner.

For a few days, nothing was out of the ordinary. Mrs. Chawla had a simple routine eat, sleep, live, repeat; nothing out of the ordinary. Her maid used to come, complete all the chores and leave. One day she had a meeting with some people. When they came by, her demeanor changed again. She started walking in a distinct style in front of those men and when I heard her voice I was horrified. I could never forget that distinctive voice. It was Bagwaan and he was asking about me, if they had found me. I was frightened but immediately called Darshan and told him to come immediately. I had found Bagwaan!

I told Darshan that Bagwaan was doing what I was doing to save my life. Bagwaan was masquerading as Mrs. Chawla. Darshan came by immediately with a force and directly went to Mrs. Chawla’s flat. They broke open the door. Seeing police at the door, gunfight commenced. Many of Bagwaan goons were dead but Mrs. Chawla was defending herself. One of her bullets grazed Darshan’s shoulder. I was horrified and fainted.

When I came to my senses I saw Darshan in front of me. I just immediately hugged him and blabbered, “If something would have happened to you, I would have died.” Then it came to me that I had done something unthinkable. We broke the embrace and saw Darshan smiling. He just said, “Me too.”

Khalil Bagwaan AKA Mrs. Chawla had been killed in the gunfight. Through her DNA report and other samples, it was confirmed that Khalil Bagwaan and Mrs. Chawla were the same person. There was no more any reason for me to be afraid of life. That also meant that I didn’t have to live as Apurvaa – a married woman anymore. I wasn’t a married woman. While I was happy to be free to live once again, the thought of leaving my family and my kids broke my heart. I looked at Darshan with tear-filled eyes. He read my thoughts. He embraced me once again and comforted me.

A few days later, we had a secret wedding with Dr. Sathe, doing my Kanyadaan, and ACP Patil were our witnesses. We took a family photo with Yash carried by Darshan and me carrying Diya on my hips and another photo with Damini carrying Diya on her hips while me carrying Yash. We had grown to be a happy family. Looking back in time, it feels strange that I had never thought of having such a family where I would be a mother. But once you have experienced the great feeling of motherhood, there is no going back.