My fate: I had to become a girl from a boy and then I got married to a man!

My name is Shruti. I live in Delhi. I am going to tell you my story. I was born in a middle class family. My father is a businessman in a small town. I was born a boy, a normal boy. I had good childhood as boy. I liked being myself and loved sports. 

I used to play lots of cricket, and occasionally football. I was average in studies. When I became of 14-15 years, I started feeling different. I was not growing like others. I had thin frame, but soft skin. My body hairs was also very fine. It was not like other boys of my age. I walked little different, but my mind was of a boy of the age. I liked hanging with boys and looking at girls, but I was shy from nature and soft spoken. Never took fight with anyone. I was disturbed by my appearance at times, but I tried to look my masculine best. A year passed, few of my friends started getting moustache, and their voice were already matured. And I could not see such changes in me. Besides, my chest was slowly developing. I tried to hide it, even from my family members. Few friends used to comment by now. “Are you girl? What you do to keep yourself girly?” I used to get ashamed then. Some bully friends even tried to be physical in mischief, which I didn’t like. My bottom too was growing effeminate way. Now occasionally, my family members too started noticing. I have a younger brother, smaller by 3 years, who was by now stronger and masculine than me. One of my aunt one day taunted to my mother, whether I was a girl. She too grew suspicious after that, and started noticing me often. I was trying best to hide my features, but now I was unable to. Slowly my father too became worried.

So he decided to visit a doctor in the nearby city. I was diagnosed with a rare problem. Male hormones were ineffective on my body, and with little female hormone my body was producing, I was slowly getting feminine. Although, I was a male in every other respect. Still, he further prescribed male hormones. I prayed a lot, and was sad from that day. I wished those hormones work on me, and I be my male self soon. At home I was not allowed to go out until I recovered. It was a small town, and it would bring disrepute to family, if others get to know. Things were getting worse instead of betterment. In two months of indoor stay I became more effeminate. My voice also now turned girly.

We kept visiting the doctor, but was of no help. My parents were very upset. They were doubly upset at both my fate and social fear. My father one day decided to keep me in city instead of town, so that I could gain some freedom, and there no one will recognise. By now the immediate members of my extended family and the house servants along with the maid came to know, but they kept it secret. Everyone seems worried about social prestige. In city my parents couldn’t live with me, but they didn’t want to leave me alone either. After all they cared for me. My father got a distant relative in city, to keep me in his home. Uncle was older than my father, and lived with his wife. His children were settled in another city. Everything for my stay with him was arranged by may father. I was very sad, but was little relieved that, in city, no one will recognise me. I had to attend the doctor every week there. But there was a problem. Aunt said that if he starts living as male, and he became more effeminate with passing months, then it would not be possible for them to convince neighbours. Instead, if I would start living as a girl, according to her, then there would be no problem. If I would recover in the mean time then, obviously I was going to return my town as male. I was dumb founded hearing this. I started weeping. She consoled me and sympathised with me. She was of very good nature. She said, she will take care of me like her own children. My parents were relieved, and agreed to her. My father bought all needful thing for me, and my mother and aunt shopped for me in city. Meanwhile, I was kept indoors in uncle’s house in my male form. My father offered uncle money for keeping me, which he denied. I was going to live as a full time girl in a new city. Emotions washed me, and I was cursing my fate. I was ashamed too.

I sat motionless in a corner of my room. It was in one corner of the house with a balcony. My all childhood memories come to my mind. I longed to relive them. Tears marks were visible on my cheeks in the mirror of the dressing table. My eyes caught on my chest, which was protruding from my shirt. My hairs were boyish, but was silky and there were hardly any visible hair on my body. But my real worry was how I will face my younger brother in a dress, when he visits me later. Also, what if I ever come across any of my school friends in city. Some of them had already shifted to the city with their parents. Even facing my father and uncle would be very difficult. I wished my mother and aunt would return empty handed, or their mind changes, and they let me as my male self. Uncle seemed to be of rude nature. I had met him for first time, and he was very reserved. Spoke very little. I was afraid, how he will treat me after my parents leave. Aunt looked very supportive, I had already started liking her. After 2-3 hours, doorbell rang, and I could recognise the sound of bangles of my mother. My heart raced. I kept sitting motionless, from the sound, I could say that they getting closer. Sound of plastic bags brushing their sarees, I could hear. I was assured, they have not returned empty handed. Soon they placed many bags of purchases on my bed. I was gazing at them with edge of my eye, trying to figure out what all they contained. My mother wiped away my tears and consoled me. Aunt too comforted me. They left for the kitchen and I instantly grabbed the bags to see what’s inside. I could see few jeans, floral tops, something like frock or skirt and blouse, which I didn’t wish to open, and some inner wears. After snacks they planned to change me, and give some lessons to me. I heard aunt telling my mother keep my name Shruti. She announced loudly to my father and uncle that, they would call me Shruti from now. I was peeping through the corner seeing their reaction. My father kept calm, and uncle put little smile. Aunt said, soon we will ready me for them to see. My heart was racing, and I felt ashamed. Aunt and mother entered room, started making light of situation and giving me lessons which I was unmindful. I kept looking down. Aunt said, see, she is already behaving like a good girl. The feminine introduction of me was for the first time.

She then said, “now onwards mind your sentences, use feminine ways”.

Then she made me repeat to my mother, “main aapki beti hoon.” (I’m your daughter) three times.

This was an embarrassing moment for me. I kept looking down. She looked stern when I initially hesitated do so. I was witnessing her rudeness now. I became afraid, and obeyed her instructions. And when I did, she appreciates me.

I was getting irritated by her constant remark, “meri pyari beti Shruti” (my sweet daughter Shruti).

I thought, if I had something in my hand, I would hit her, and show my male power, but I was helpless, as I didn’t want to bring any trouble to my parents. I asked my mother not to bring my brother ever there to see me, and she relented. I broke down. In the meantime, they had finished dressing me in a cotton dress, which was light and little above my knees. I was also wearing my first inner garments. The bra straps were tight over my shoulders. I could see my girly self. I was obvious. Aunt started putting kajal which I objected. And he held my face firmly, then started putting them. I relented. I was now more feminine. She arranged my hair. I was 100% girl now. Last thing I feared whether she put a hairband, which I don’t like, luckily she didn’t. I was paraded to my father and uncle. I kept looking down. Aunt pulled my chin up and forced me repeat the sentence I said to my mother. I felt more humiliating now. Felt as I could never again make eye contact with father. With uncle it was no question.

Next day, my parents left. Before leaving, my mother left few instructions to me. She asked me to obey aunty and uncle, as they are helping us in troubled time. She said, it will be tough in start, but you will get used to it slowly. I cried lot when she was leaving. Aunty consoled me. She was taking good care of me. I was completely at unease. The last reliable company to my mother was lost. Simultaneously, I was afraid how uncle and aunt are going to treat me after my parents. I kept myself confined to the room. I was in my old thoughts of my friends, school and cricket. Those memoires were fresh in my mind and I didn’t want to return to my present. After an hour or two, I awoke from my dream by a call I dreaded, “Shruti”. Aunty called loudly. I hesitatingly responded. She was calling me from some time, and was little annoyed she remarked.

Next minute, she was polite, “beta, we want to help you, but you will have to cooperate with us. Don’t let neighbours be suspicious about you. Be like a good girl”.

She handed me a towel, and few clothes, then asked me to have a shower, and get ready myself, and call her, if I needed any help. I meekly obeyed her, and headed for bathroom. I helped myself into the undergarments and dress. I didn’t want her to scold me again. It was now my hair’s turn. I parted my hair like my male self unconsciously, but soon recalled she had done it other way. I could have corrected it her way, but my male self didn’t want. So I messed my hair, and let it be like that. Aunty came calling in few minutes.

She praised me, “lovely beta, you are a good girl, but why have you not combed your hair”. I pretended I didn’t know how to. She seemed happy, ” let me show you, You will soon learn it easy. When your hair grows long in few months, I will teach you different styles”.

I was worried now. Is she assuming that I will remain like this forever, and not return to my male self? Has the doctor confirmed them? My heart sank. But what else I could do? It was my fate. I may have to live like this forever.

Aunty brushed my hair, examined for some time, and then pulled out a scissor and started trimming here and there. I kept sitting motionless on the chair, without looking at the mirror. When she was satisfied, she combed my hair in disarranged manner. She put eyeliner, and asked me to apply every day. I nodded. She commanded, “now come out of the room, we will chat in living room”. I too was comfortable, as uncle had gone office by now. She said, “my friends keep coming now and then, and I will introduce you as my niece to them. You just nod, and greet them wearing your smile”. I nodded affirmatively. It was second day in dress, so I was becoming comfortable now. Aunty was sitting next to me on sofa, and occasionally instructing me about do’s and don’ts. She inquired about my school and friends, my extended family, my uncles and aunts. While answering she ensured that, I use feminine vocabulary as if, I was always a girl. She said, “Shruti, a good child don’t bring disrespect to his/her family, and that’s what your parents expect from you too, so you should accept your fate”. Then she broke the news that doctor doesn’t think that, I will ever return to my old self. Tears filled my eyes as my last fear were getting true. I gained courage and asked her, “what about my future aunty? Will I have to live like this forever?” she said, “it’s your fate, and you will slowly get used to it”. And then smilingly said, “you will not remain alone forever, you will go to your husband’s house after your parents will marry you”. I instantly imagined, how I will be in the position of a new bride at her in laws, like one of my youngest aunt, who came our house last year. Now tears trickling down my eyes. Aunty consoled me, and took me to kitchen. She said, “you will help me in kitchen, and that way you will keep yourself busy, and I will have a company too”. I nodded okay.

Days passed, and I was in a routine of my female self. I avoided uncle as much as I could, but aunty would assign me tasks like serving tea, breakfast or handing his clothes. Uncle would not interact, but would gaze at me in some suspicion. It was Monday, and I had just relieved from my daily chores, when aunty announced that, after uncle left for office, we will go to the market.

She pierced my ears at a shop in the neighbourhood. But any how, I persuaded her to not to pierce my nose. I still had feeling that one day, miraculously I would soon return to my male self. Ear piercing is a normal thing but nose would be different. I could see people noticing me, and to my own surprise, I was walking more freely in my feminine way. Maybe the long indoor stay had made me more calm and docile. I was avoiding any contact with passer by in lanes. Aunt was also being protective of me. At home, when uncle returned, I was asked to open the door. He saw my ears, and smiled. He commented, “you are looking beautiful”. And I looked down. Slowly few more weeks passed, and I was being trained in, house keeping and cooking. I was bonding well with aunty. My appearance was getting more feminine, and now I was acting as one. I was not bothered living this way now. One afternoon, as I was busy cooking with aunty, doorbell rang. Unmindfully, I opened the door, and was shocked to see our servant at the door. I was motionless. I stood still there, and he was watching my changed self with curiosity. Aunty intervened, and let him in. His name was Rohit. He was few years older to me, and he and his father worked at our home and shop back in town. I was getting angry at my parents, why they have sent him here? He came carrying my belongings. I feared he would leak my story everywhere in my town. I was back in kitchen leaving aunty to attend him. Aunty called, “Shruti bring him some water”. It was really an embarrassing moment. Now he got to know my female name as well. I had to obey aunt. so I was standing again in front of him, holding tray with the glass. He took all the time inspecting my figure in amaze while taking the glass. I could not meet, my eyes with him. He was the same servant, whom I have been seen from childhood, and I bullied. Today I was standing in front of him helpless, wearing a dress. While keeping the glass back in tray, he intentionally touched my fingers, which were nail polished in bright pink. I returned to kitchen.

Months passed. I was now settled in the house. I was losing hope of ever returning, and had started accepting my fate. More because, I didn’t want my parents to get trouble. I tried my best to keep uncle and aunty happy. I was doing all their works from cooking to housekeeping. I feared any day, if they disown me, how I would return to my home. That was the last thing I never wished, to return in this condition. I had put on some fat. My hips were wider and cleavage became more prominent. There wasn’t any manliness left in me. Hair was short bob cut. It flanked on both side of my face and I liked it, as it curled over my face when I lowered my head to avoid contact with someone. Aunt took active interest in my make-up. She would take me to beauty parlour with her periodically. She also had a bob cut, and got beauty treatments to keep herself beautiful.

One day, aunt got a call from one of her sons, to visit them. She was to go there for 2 weeks. And I was to stay along with uncle. By now I was trained in cooking, and she knew I would take his good care in her absence.

Now I was left alone with uncle. He followed his routine as usual in the morning, and left for office. I assisted him, and after he left, followed my routine work. I watched TV whole afternoon, and bought grocery from nearby store. I also spent time with my mother on phone. I asked her why they sent the servant, he would tell everyone back there, but she assured he won’t. She said, they were planning to visit me with my younger brother. I resisted, but she didn’t listen, and said, “one day, you have to face him. He is your brother, and let him also accept that, he has a sister to take care of”. My other family members were no more interested in me, which also hurt me. They thought me as curse to the family, and avoided me.

It was late by now. I didn’t realise that uncle was late to return. He arrived late, and I suspected something unusual, he was drunk. I was afraid for the reason that, I hadn’t cooked for him by now. He rested himself somehow on sofa, and called me. He asked me to take off his shoes, and help him unbutton his shirt. I hesitatingly obeyed, because I feared him. We didn’t have any long interaction with each other. He asked me to serve dinner. I softly replied that I hadn’t cooked yet. He got angry, and started abusing me. I had never seen him so furious. I became frightened. I said sorry many times, but it didn’t calm him. He threatened me to throw out of the house. I was now tensed. I wished somehow he calm down. Where would I go, if he really did it? How will my parents react? I was more worried about my parents. He got calmed in a while, and ordered food on phone. In the mean time, he asked me to sit near him. He started boasting of himself. He narrated stories of my father with him, and how he has helped him in his business, and how he was helpful to me. He said he would help me in future as well, and I should not worry. He would take care of me. We had dinner together. After dinner, I cleaned the table and he went to his room. I went to serve him water. As I was returning, he held my hand. I stood there, and turned back. He pulled me towards the bed, and motioned me to sit. I sat on the edge. He was constantly looking at my face. Soon he spoke, “Shruti you are a nice girl, you take good care of me. I am sorry for scolding you”. I was relieved. My palm was still in his hand. He repeated that, he too would take care of me. I thought he was finished, so I stood up to go. He pulled me back again. Now I was frightened. He said, “why don’t you sleep here. You won’t feel lonely, and I will also have company.” I smilingly said no, which he took in affirmation saying, “good girl, you never tell me no”. I understood his intention, but I had no other option. I didn’t want to displease him. I said, “uncle let me change my clothes, I will be back.” Aunt had instructed me to sleep only in my nightdress. He was quick, “your aunt is not here, why don’t you explore yourself with her stuff. She is old anyway, her expensive clothes will look better on you”. I said, “but ….”. He had by now pulled me, and planted a kiss on my cheek. I strongly disliked it, and the foul smell from him was too much. I was furious at him, and separated myself from him. He was angry at this. He said, ” you will have to obey me, I have waited so long for this day to come. If you make me happy, I will make your life better, else I will make it miserable”. I never imagined this from him. I was in my thoughts on how to react. He was kissing my hand.

I was totally in his grip now. He was holding me from back, and resting his chin on my shoulder. I didn’t resist. He was as tall as me, and of medium built. If I had resisted, he won’t be able to overpower me. Still, I didn’t, as I was undecided of what to do. I didn’t want him to get angry, but I was not liking his advances either. He tried to lift me to bed but he couldn’t. Anyhow, I managed myself on my feet. He was irked now, he motioned me towards the bed, which I did. To cover his failure he started conversing with me, “you must be feeling lonely. This is good for you too. You will start liking it slowly “. Now I bluntly said, “I am not, and I won’t. Can I go to sleep?” He seemed exhausted, he paused, and said, “OK, but I have a condition, you will have to wear your aunty’s nightie”. I relented. It was a maroon frilled silk sleeveless nightie. I was looking sexy in it. I was now in my room, and I bolted it from inside. Uncle had asked me not to change it till morning. I was now in front of the mirror, puzzled at my figure. I had seen my newly married aunty dressed similarly at my home. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her, and wished I too would get a wife like her someday. But fate has put me in her position. The words of aunty raced through my mind, that my parents would someday marry me off to a man. How embarrassing that life would be, and how I will live a dependent life henceforth? Moreover, if my family members attend the wedding, how I will face them? Above all, my younger brother, whom I have been protecting all his childhood, and bullying him, how can I even look at him? My skin had become softer and fatty. I was looking older of my age.

I woke up with a loud knock on the door. I had bolted it for the first time. I hurriedly got up, and heard uncle shouting at door. It was morning, and I was late in getting up. He scolded me. I said sorry. I realised it was already time for his office, and I hadn’t prepared his breakfast. It seemed he too woke up late. He said, “Look Shruti, you made me late today. I wont be able to go to office. You were supposed to wake me up, as you know your aunty is not here. Neither you have prepared anything. I will complain it to your aunty”. I said sorry again but he didn’t relent. Aunty had specifically instructed me to do her duties as well. I knew she would scold me badly. I wished he calm anyhow, and not complain. I rushed to the kitchen, to prepare tea for him. He too followed me. He stood behind me touching the nightie, which he made me wear last night. He was following me everywhere, which I ignored. He seemed to have calmed down. Chewing his beatles (gutka), which he constantly did. He said, “Shruti, you will have to compensate for what you did, else I will complain to your aunty”. I said, “what”. He replied with a grin on his face, “you will have to be your aunty for the next week”. I didn’t understand, so I asked him again. He said, “Shruti, you will have to behave with me like your aunty does. Like a husband and wife”. I wasn’t liking his words, but was so relieved that, he was no more angry, otherwise, I would be in trouble. So I relented.

By afternoon, I was in a different avatar under uncle’s instructions. I was draped in a blue saree, with matching silk blouse. Aunty had already taught me to how to tie saree, but I never knew that, I would need it so soon. I was going by uncle’s order. Bangles in my both hands. Heavy matching earrings in my newly pierced holes. It was pulling down my ear lobes, and oscillating with my every move. I was not used to it. I was looking totally different, but beautiful. The blouse was little tight, so pressed against my flesh which were overlooking from sides. In my male self I was thin, and athletic, but now I was little fatty and bit oversized from average girls of my age. I was of exact same size as uncle, and looked fatter than him. And I guessed, it was due to saree I was wearing. I could now realise that, why girls hate even little fat on their body. It made them look oversized. It has to do with choice of clothes. Anyway, I was not going to be any match to uncle, or I ever wished to be one. I still cherished in my heart that, one day things will get to normal, and I will then after live as male, and get my freedom back. That I would bring a bride in my home than being sent off myself as a one. But I knew that, chances of latter was becoming more and more, with every passing day. My chest, my hips, voice and skin, they were all moving away from my male self. My current worry was to safeguard my pride, the very body which I strongly disliked which uncle has set his eyes upon. In a way, I was in the same peculiar situation, which many girls faces every day. In saree, I guessed I could pass as much older than my age. It was confirmed, when uncle too remarked, “Shruti you have grown fat, you should keep yourself fit, you look older”. I would not pay any attention to his advice, as I was not yet ready to give up my real self. He interrupted my thoughts, “you keep me happy, I will make your life happy. We will go out today and spend some time, I will take you shopping, you can shop at your will. We will see a movie together and dine outside. You will like it very much. I had long desired to flirt and get back to my past days, but your aunty is no more interested in these things. She has become just a social lady. I have very high hopes from you”. At the end, he seemed serious. I was also starting to pity on him. From my male perspective I found his reasons, justified. Who doesn’t fantasise these things? Given a chance I too would love to take my beautiful girlfriend out. Show off my possession to others. I thought it was a small price to pay for all his favours. By now I had understood that I had no grudge in living as a girl, at an unknown place like this. But I was not sure how I would do the same in front of my people. After all, no one knows of my past here. I told uncle, “I will try my best”. It was the start of our friendship in a way. I was not that repulsive of him, as I was till few minutes back. He got happy and said, “thank you beta” (child). It was emotional, but I was mentally prepared for the role now, and the new found trust. I quickly replied back, “I am not your beta now, I am your girl. Treat me as one”. He was in total admiration, and became happy.

Somehow, I was little relaxed now. Uncle puzzle was solved, I was comfortable with him, and I got a company, which I badly needed. Since we were seldom exchanging words with each other, so there was no more an invisible wall of fear of him was in me. Moreover, I had to adapt to my new self sooner or later. The more later I do, more miseries on my way. I was fun loving by nature, and I was missing those mischiefs and activities in my present ordeal. Although in my wrong body, I would get a chance to express myself now freely.

Uncle was getting ready for the outing, and in the mean time, I thought to put my make-up, which I had hard learnt from aunty. Besides, I had access to aunty’s all make-up kits. I tried my best, and the result was not that bad as I expected. I was taking my time which uncle quipped, “you are following your aunty’s footsteps. She too takes so long to get ready”. I replied, “let me finish, and you will forget aunty forever”. He seemed to like my advances. He said, “hope you stick to your words, and don’t change your mind later. If that happens, I will fill your life with happiness. You will spend your life like a queen”. I was in no mood to relent, “queens days are over, I will be a modern self made woman, and kings will be at my mercy”. I had made my make-up like a mid aged woman, matching with the saree.

We returned home late at night. We went to many places, movie, shopping and dinner. I could not remember when I had spent so much time outside. I enjoyed my freedom today. There were moments, when I completely forgot about my present self and enjoyed. But the constant reminder was my saree, which I was not used to expect in aunty’s trainings. Despite that, I could relate myself to every passing boy of my age. I envied them. I was missing company of my friends. Memories of hanging out with them in market, or playing cricket tournaments in my town in clubs. The praises I would get when I played well. The shots I played to impress the girls of my school. I was missing them badly. On the other hand, boys here in city I found were more sophisticated, hanging mostly with their girlfriends. Thanks to my saree, I was not getting their attention, and I was relieved because, even my own friends would not have recognised me. I was getting attention of shopkeepers and mid aged men. I was least bothered by them. Instead, my eyes followed girls of my age, and the lust of many years of my school life. I could not keep my eyes off them, and at those instants, I would forget my present self. It was a good feeling, though short lived. Uncle tried keeping himself close to me, pretending to protect me from some invisible danger. His real intention was to make others feel that I was with him, and he is in possession of a beautiful lady. He tried to assert through his gestures that, we were a couple. But I guessed there were hardly any takers except few greedy shopkeepers who referred me as “bhabhi ji”. It was unusual for me to expect such remark. I disliked every time he forced me to enter dress shops, as I had no love for them. I wished to shop for trousers and shirts, which I would gracefully wear, if I ever came out of this ordeal. So, I pretended uncle to gift him some clothes of my choice which he readily agreed. I bought few trousers and t shirts of my choice. He seemed happy thinking. I cared for him In exchange, he bought me few extra dresses and materials, despite my reluctance. At the restaurant, he booked a candle light dinner, and led me to the table with his arm around my waist. He seemed to impress upon other people present there. I was for the first time at such a beautiful place. The grandeur and landscape would fill with love, even for the most romantic person. I was amazed. It would have been a lifetime memory, if I got a chance to date a girlfriend at this place. Characteristically, I found most of the lady guests, extremely beautiful and well dressed. I though myself out of the place with my style of clothes. Still, I could see few men ogling at me, which brought some solace to me. Most of the men were no match to their female counterparts. I assumed their wealth did the trick. So was our case too.

By the time we reached home, I was tired to hell. Quickly, I changed over to my usual clothes, and retired to bed. Contrary to my anticipation, I liked the events today. There was a sense of relief mainly because the uncle puzzle was decoded now. I had lived in the house for many days now, with an unknown fear of him. We hardly exchanged words. I used to be worried, whether he liked my presence in the house or not. Now I found that, he sees me more valuable person than his wife in the house. This was going to be good opportunity for me, to get him do things I liked. Don’t know why I was feeling good to have befriended him. Maybe, I was attracted to his affluence. After all, who would not feel happy to befriended a rich guy, even if it was for wrong reasons. Today, I experienced that I was seeing myself as two people, the real me, who want his freedom and the beautiful body, to which uncle was attracted to. I had no objection now with my twin identity. My body could be controlled, but not my soul, I understood. So there was no conflict in this unknown world, where nobody knows of my past. I was deep in my thoughts, to hardly notice uncle laying beside me on my bed. He interrupted, “are you not happy”. I quickly got up, as I wasn’t expecting him here. He too sat up. Soon I was normal recollecting the day, and the relation we had built today. It was the turn of my woman self to tackle the situation. I said, “I thought you would have slept by now. You would have got tired”. He said, “not at all”. I got opportunity, ” you are too fit, even at this age “. He blushed. It was working. I knew his intention. I didn’t wish to get played by him. At the same time I had not to upset him. I had to balance the situation. I made light of situation by asking him, “did you like my company today?” He was at ease now. He was full of praise for me, and my beauty. I was inattentive hatching my next plan. He slowly came closer to me, and motioned to lie down. I said, “I will not be comfortable here with you”. He asked, “why?. I said, “maybe, I need more time. I have just spent a day with you’. He relented, but said, “next week your aunty will come, and we will not find time then.” I said, “but knowing each other is important. It helps build good relation”. I knew he would understand. That is the difference between young and an old man. You just need some logic to convince a gentleman. He said, “so what should we do?” I played my card, “we should go outstation for few days and spend time together knowing each other but…. You have office”. He instantly remarked, “good idea. Office is no issue, my staff will manage it”. I got to know that, he was own the company and not an employee. I was now more content. I always had a liking for travelling to places. Being outdoors. Being able to go to expensive places and experience life. Today’s outing had further fuelled my urge. He seemed ready. I was delighted. He said, “tomorrow morning we will be leaving”. I asked, “where”. He said, “that would be a surprise”. I was very eager. He left for his room. I followed him asking for the place. I got hold of him just outside his room and repeated, “tell me please”. He held me, and turned holding my waist, and rested his chin on my shoulder. I was unmindful of his beard pinching my skin, waiting for the reply. He slowly bit my ears before fussing “Mumbai”. I was elated. I had wished to go there. This would have been great news among my friends, if I had still been in their company, and I would boast them of my tour. But it was now a different situation still my desire was going to be fulfilled. Pointing to my ears he said, “I will buy you there diamond earrings”. I wasn’t interested. I asked, “how many days?” He held me tight now, and said, “till you wish”. I was unmindful of his hold, and his diplomatic answer. I slowly made myself free, and got back to my room bolting it from inside. It was indeed a happy day.

Finally, I had arrived Mumbai. I would say we. I was all excited. The hotel was grand. Uncle had booked a big room. It had a balcony, through which I could see the sky rises. We were on 25th floor. The view was awesome. Uncle asked, “are you happy”. I nodded my head with smile. He was wearing the same t-shirt and trouser, I had purchased last day. He complimented me for my choice. He looked younger and friendly. I had never seen him dressed such. Mine was a silk saree, again in dark brown. It seemed as if, I was going to a party. His taste was old. I thought to myself it would take some time to change his taste. I would have definitely not dressed this way, if I was at my will. I wore aunty’s dark sunglasses most of the time, to give a better look. My appearance was of a newly rich woman, who was carrying all her accessories to show off. But I didn’t want to upset uncle. I had always wondered, why women put on so much make-up even in morning when they go out. Who would pay attention to them? And wondered about the logic behind it. It seemed as if, they were giving proof of them being real woman. But now, I myself was carrying them and looking foolish. I got clear of them, as soon as I entered our hotel room. I was now changed into midi with cold shoulder. I tried to look contemporary. Uncle had no problem with my dress in indoors, but would insist me in saree outdoors. He doesn’t want me to look much younger, I guessed. Anyway, I was going to go out today this way. At the reception uncle had introduced me as his wife. I could see the reaction on the managers face, which was obvious. I blushed. It seemed he was thinking, “were all young men dead that u choose this old fellow”. He seemed extra pleased, when he greeted me, “welcome ma’am have a pleasant stay”. I could notice uncle putting his arm around me, then asserting his possession. I was enjoying all these attentions anyway. I was not used to so much attention in my old self. It feels good when you are at the centre of things. It additionally comes with responsibility, to meet their expectation, and look good every time. I was getting used to the female psychology. I was sure I would again turn those heads on me, when I walk out in this outfit. I was eager to go out soon after lunch, but uncle wasn’t. He wanted an afternoon nap before we set out. I pleaded him with please, but he was not ready. He used my trick over me, “sweety, we should spend more time together to know each other. We will go out in evening.” reluctantly, I got over the bed. He seemed happy. I was half dip in the extra cushion in bed. It was nice feeling. I would enjoy such bed in my childhood. He pulled himself closer to me.

At uncles house, it was routine as usual, and now aunty has returned. So my training session again started. My body too was transforming fast. My boobs were now swelling and hips widened. I could notice fat on my skin, which made my body soft. Aunty told me that my voice is also changing, which is good. I was not comfortable as my last hopes of returning to my old self were vanishing. There were more restrictions on me. I could only go out with aunty now. Aunty started scolding me on every little thing, but she also cared for me. I was made now to wear salwar kameez with dupatta draped even at home. She would notice my movement, and guide me all the time. I was getting irritated, but meekly obeyed her all the time. I had to do more and more household work. Like cleaning my room, cooking and washing clothes. In fact, I was doing the lead role of the house now, with some assistance from aunty and maid. Aunty would just guide me, and I would have to obey her orders. She would wake me up at 5 in morning, for making tea. I hated it most. I used to sleep till late, since childhood and milk or tea was served by my bedside. I never cared who prepared. What I used was, to get tasty food and drink whenever I wished. There were many maids visiting my house, but here aunty had kept just one, and she did only the cleaning part. Almost all the cooking and serving was on me. Aunty and uncle would keep chatting in their room, and I did the serving. She would comment from time to time, “good girl Shruti. You are learning fast. You will become good housewife. We will marry you to a nice man, who would take good care of you”. Uncle chipped in mischievously, “yes, yes, why not? She kept good care of house when you (aunty) were not here”. She would not leave any chance to correct me, when my dupatta would slide, even a little bit from my shoulder. She would poke me, even in front of the maid. So I was now more conscious to pull it up, before she noticed. I didn’t like her scolding me in front of the maid. The maid was a distant relative of the maid family, who were worked in my home, in my town. I feared she would be briefing them each and every detail of mine to them. How embarrassing that would be? They would be talking about me and making fun, I thought. Most embarrassing feeling come to my mind was of the servant at our house, who was of my age. Whenever I got chance, I always used to tease him, and humiliate him. How happy he would be now? I kept thinking. He would be very glad, I thought. I would never be able to meet eyes to him in my life ever. In fact, he would be now eager to tease me, if he sees me in this. I guessed he would have spread this news to the whole town, and it would be a perfect revenge for him. I kept thinking about it all the time. Aunty would remind me about the daily chores in between. During leisure time in afternoon, aunty would gossip with me. She would make me do her hair, or her make-up for teaching me. I wasn’t interested in them, but I followed. She would say, “learn these things, it will be handy. We will marry you in city only and you should know how to run family”. She would often make me up to try different hair styles on me, which was now grown below my shoulder. She took me to the beauty parlour quiet few times. There was hardly any manly sign in my physical appearance. My hand and toe nails would remain polished every week at her instructions. She would make me polish them in different shades of her tastes. And they would constantly remind me of my girlishness, as they would always remain in front of my eyes. Besides, I hated to show up in front of my parents, when they visited. In between with polished nails, I thought they would take this as my willingness to accept my fate, whereas, I was not ready to give up my old self from within. The only good part was, that they would not bring my younger brother to me. I rather not face him like this.

In evenings, aunty would go for a walk, and I would be left alone at home. I would sit on my bed, and think about myself. About my fate and my future. I dreaded, if words of her would become true someday, and I would be married off to someone. It would be the most humiliating thing. Will I ever be able to face my old buddies. I could imagine, how I would be like, when I would ever return to my home, after getting married. Like my bhabhis (sister-in-laws). I was taking these thoughts seriously, as my returning to male self was decreasing by, every passing day. No body hair, painted nails, long thick hair, girly voice and wide hips were all taking my manliness away. What remain unchanged was my soul. I still wished it was over soon, and I get back my freedom, and my old friends and life. Life of a carefree boy who I was. Try daring things, play sports and rule the world. My ambition was to become a sportsperson, who would earn fame and money and flaunt my style and wealth. Here I was trapped in a different situation. Weeks passed, and one day during such thoughts, door bell rang. I went to open the door. It was uncle at the door with his mischievous smile. He used to come late, but today he was early. I asked, “you are early today”. He replied, “now I will be early every day”. Once inside, he caught hold of me, and hugged me. I tried get away from him, but he didn’t let me. He said, “this is our time, I came to know that your aunty go out this time. So we can spend time together”. I freed myself, and adjusted my dupatta as a habit, then said, “but this is wrong, she will get to know about it”. He said, “no”. He again held me in his tight grip, kissing me all over. I could do nothing. Foul smell of his mouth annoyed me, when he kissed on my cheeks. He brought me in his room, and started changing his office clothes. I was assisting him. He would everyday hand me his dirty shirt and pants, which I was to put in washing machine for cleaning next day. It was my responsibility to take care of his clothes, as instructed by aunty. I would hand over washed home clothes to change. As I turned back to bring his shorts and t shirt to change, he held me again and made me sit with him while he in his undies. I was ashamed, and kept my head down. He put his arms around me. My shoulders were wet by his underarm sweat which was putting me off. I was wearing sleeveless kameez, due to which my bare arms were rubbing against his armpit. I cursed myself, why I wore this today. Uncle was in praise of my beauty. He said, “you are looking very beautiful. Your breasts are also shaping up nicely”. This brought my attention again on my slipped dupatta, which I quickly covered. This was not because of aunty instruction, but it came naturally. I guessed why girls prefer to keep it wrapped to ward off odd attention. I looked at my breasts, it felt like two unwanted lumps in my body. I was puzzled whether all the girls saw it as me.

Uncle liked my shyness. He kept glancing at me, while I arranged his office bag and keys. Now days, every morning, he would ask me for his belongings. Earlier aunty used to do it. I could see some new papers in a file. I opened it, it was of some new property he had purchased. Without asking he started, “I have bought a new office, a big one in a multi story building. My business is doing great. I will someday make you rich too”. He was trying to impress me. I wasn’t impressed. Neither I liked hanging with him. He was old mannered, like a shrewd businessman. I had guessed his intention. But my only hope for now was, he could help me go out, and spent some time outside this boring house, and work like last time he did. So everyday I took good care of him. I performed his duties like a good housewife would do, except I warded off his physical advances. More I would ward off him, more he tried to stick to me. Sometimes he would get chance when I would surrender. I was bored living in the house. I just wanted to get out, be it as man or woman. I had never spent hours at my home, and now I was living indoors for months. I thought of a plan.

I asked uncle, “give me some job in your office”. He was not expecting it. He said, “you don’t nee a job. I will give you money without working”. I said, “I want to learn and stand on my own feet”. He said, “you need not worry, I am here for you. You take good care of me. And I will “reward you someday”. Then he held me tightly, and said, ” keep giving me pleasure. I will make you rich”. I wanted to work, so that I could go out for it. I pleaded, “I want to work, even if you give me low salary. Just give me some work in your office, I will work hard”. He had an evil smile, “how hard”. I guessed his intention, “anything you want”. He pinched me at my bottom, to which I jumped in pain. He said, “you are a bitch. I can’t think you were a boy till sometime back. You know all the womanly trick. I will let you work from next month, provided you keep me happy like you promised this month. But you will have to get your aunty ready for your job, as she will not listen to me”. With joy, I said, “okay, I will make her ready”. I kissed him on his cheeks. I felt happy and some hope.

I was determined now to go out and work. It would bring some freedom to me, I thought and someday, I would become independent, and live life to my terms. I had no doubt on my brain, and I knew I will become successful in whatever work I would do. The only limitation was my female self and no degree. I was just 10th passed. I was good at studies, but I had to leave studies midway because of my situation. I thought I will pursue distance learning, and get some degrees later. At uncle’s house, I was busy doing house work and hardly had time for studies. Aunty would make me do work all the time, or just gossip with me on girly things. She had her own plans for me. She just wished I would learn household work, and they would marry me off to some confidential person with dowry from my father’s property for living. Every time my parents visited, she would say that she is learning good and will make a good wife. To show them how better I was learning, she would make me cook alone without my mother’s help, and boast that, it was she who taught me, else I would never have learnt. She also tells them, how much she spends on me, on my grooming, dresses and few ornaments she had gifted me. I was made to show them all the gifts she bought for me. I was embarrassed, and sometimes cried on my mother’s shoulder. They would take pity on me, but again get back to the usual lessons of girl. Aunty would remind my father that, “bhaisaab aapko ab ek beti hai, aur uski jimmedari aap samajhte hain na? Iske dowry ke liye money and gold collect karna start kijiye” (Brother, you have a daughter now, you know what I mean? You have to make enough gold & money for her dowry). She made my father purchase a thick gold necklace and earrings for me. The shopping for jewellery itself was embarrassing. All the attention and comments on me, were uninterested to me. They assumed me as the bride to be, and made me try on wedding jewellery.

Days were passing, and I was carrying with house work. I was trying my best to please uncle and aunty both. I needed aunty permission for job. Pleasing uncle was easy as I knew what he wanted, but aunty would not budge as she would not want to lose a companion and maid at home, I guessed. I would have to assure her that, I will keep on doing all household work before leaving for office, and after returning. I thought how controlled my life has become. I have to please everybody now. Earlier, I was the king of my will, and didn’t care for anyone. I was stubborn since childhood, and demanding with my parents. Now all it was lost under the guilt. I could realise now, how good my parents were, and how good at still supporting me. So I too didn’t want any trouble for them. Hence, I would listen to all whims of aunty. The only spare time in evening was now lost to uncle. I was a doll for him. I was thin almost half his built, and shorter to him. I had lost muscles and strength. He could easily get over me. There was no point of resisting him either. I was at least to get some freedom with the job. I would get too tired, and had sound sleep. Days passed, I thought one afternoon to talk to aunty. I was trying to show aunty that, I had resigned to my fate, and she seemed happy with my progress. I started, “aunty, you look pretty, and your age doesn’t reflect in your skin”. She blushed. I was going right. “Your sense of dressing is also very good. People notice you. Uncle too likes you very much.” She got delighted. “I do nothing much it’s just like that. You too are becoming beautiful. Soon you will be like me.

I continued, “aunty, what about my future? How I will live like this? I will be always dependent on others”. She interrupted, “why are you think like this? We are there for you. We will marry you to some good person. He will take good care of you. Your father will gift him property and wealth, to look after you. I and uncle too will help you from time to time”. She patted on my back with sympathy, “it’s not your fault, and you are learning things fast. You are very obedient, you will keep your man happy. Be always like this”. These words were embarrassing me. Now the topic was diverting somewhere else. She kept going, “you arr young and beautiful. You will soon learn to adjust. Also, the early you are married, the better it is for family. When more people will know about it, more disgrace. I haven’t told your reality, to my own relatives. If they know, we will have problem. I never expected these words from her. She saw me as a burden. I felt very hurt. She was showing her true colour. I grew hatred for her. At least she would have not told this to me. Second, I knew now that, she is not going to keep me for long. Sense of insecurity ran over me. I had started seeing this as my own home. She wants to get rid of me. Tears started trickling down my eyes. She realised her mistake, and started consoling me. She said, “you are like my daughter, I will help you always, but understand things”. I clung to her, and started crying on her shoulder. I couldn’t ask her about the job. The day passed, and I tried to become normal. Uncle couldn’t understand the change and sadness. I didn’t let him come closer to me, and talked to him less. Just did my duties. He knew something was wrong, but I didn’t tell him.

After two days, one afternoon, I was making aunty’s hair. By now, I had enough practice of hair styling. In fact, I could make any hair style for her easily. She has thick black hair, which had volume and anyone could envy her hair. I too at times, wished mine were the same. Styling her hair doesn’t take much time, unless she asked me to oil them. Today, I was doing the same, so it was going to take time. Both were facing to the mirror, and she was constantly looking at my face. She said, “are you sad from that day beta (child)? I am sorry. But girls have tough life, they are dependent on others. You will understand slowly. Your uncle was also told me that you are upset. I explained him today”. I thought, at least, I will not have to explain uncle now, since he knows. I kept quiet and keep massaging her head. When felt relaxed, she said, “I want to ask you something”. I nodded, “ji aunty”. She said, “I was thinking about you all the time. I have a plan”. I thought, maybe she herself has found that, I should join a job, so my heart beat started racing to hear from her. She paused, “there is one of my relative, he is very nice person. He may help us.” I asked her, “how?” She replied, “he is a widower and in mid 40s, if I and your uncle request him, he may accept you.” My heart sank after hearing this. I didn’t utter a word. She continued, “he is well to do, not that rich but has a job. If we could convince him that you will be a good wife, and your father agrees to help him. There are some marriage proposals for him, but not good ones. Your family is wealthy, so he may agree. I am planning to call him this weekend to see you”. Now it was becoming terrible for me, I was feeling more terrified from that day. I thought, “why is she in so hurry to dispose me off? I abused her in my mind. Is she helping me or hurting me?” I started, “aunty, I want to work. Let me do a job, and then I will become independent. I will not be a burden to you”. I was getting angry. My face turned red and voice chocked. She patted me, and replied, “where will you find a job? You are just high school, and you won’t get more than a peon job. After knowing your real status, no one will offer you even that job”. She was so quick as if she had already prepared the answer beforehand. I said, “that i will see. I will find a job for myself, you just let me go out to apply. I cannot live indoor all the time. I need freedom and dignity”. I spoke my heart out, “I don’t even need your proposal, you keep it to yourself”. She was furious at this, and screamed, “get out of my house. I won’t tolerate this. We are helping you and your family.” I will call your father to take you tomorrow itself”. I was dumb found now. More by her screaming, and the rest by her threat.

Aunty was hysterical. I couldn’t find any reason for her change. I was just putting my point, and who else than me knew better about me. I was not in my senses, my heart was racing, I had never been this weak before. She kept screaming and abusive, blaming me constantly for no fault of mine. I had never seen her like this, neither I had imagined she would get so low. She narrated me as curse to my family. I thought she would calm down in a while, and tried not to aggravate her. I offered her water. Still, she didn’t calm, I was puzzled. I feared, maybe she got to know of, uncle and me and also that he would keep me in his office in return, or the Mumbai trip. I was already feeling guilty now. I wished, if that was the reason then I could explain her. It wasn’t my fault, it was uncle who started. But I had no courage to explain her, and before that, I needed to know whether she knew or not. “She is smart enough to, not give any opportunity to me, to explain things“, I thought. She now just wanted to get rid of me. Where would i go? I can’t go to my home. Neither I’m prepared to live in city all alone. I know how hard that life would be, managing things alone as a girl. I was now really cursing my fate. At last, she calmed down. Handed me instructions for evening dinner in mild tone, and left for her ladies meet. I was now eagerly waiting for uncle, to know whether she confronted him. Uncle came early as usual. I asked him as soon as he entered. He nodded. That made my guess correct, and now I could see why she was so mad. Guilt was all over me now, and I felt very ashamed. I asked uncle, “now what will happen to me?” He acted as if everything was normal. He curled me in his arms from back and rested his chin on my shoulder, and said, “darling, relax, I am here. I will make everything okay“. He lifted me with his arms and took me to the bedroom. I waited for him to clear things further. He said, “your aunt will cool down sooner, I know her”. And he put me on bed, bringing his mouth closer to my face, “you are getting hotter day by day. I can’t resist myself any more”. He started kissing me.

Uncle seemed least bothered about the incident. I was puzzled again. I was in trouble for sure. My days in this house was numbered now. With these thoughts I resumed my kitchen work. At dinner table, while I was serving uncle and aunty, there was a conversation between them. It was regarding me, and so I was all ears to it. Aunty said to uncle, “you know Deepak? My cousin’s relative, who used to come to our home few years back? He is a widower. How will he be for Shruti?” Uncle was casually chewing his chapati, “she is young, give her some time. Let her adjust first”. Aunty said, “you don’t know, this will be the right time, she will learn to adjust. Later she may get out of hand. I worry about her parents. We may not get a better suitor than him. He is looking for wife, if we don’t do it now, he will marry someone else”. Uncle” said, “will he agree?” Aunty became happy, “you leave that to me, I will make him accept. Her father also has arranged for good dowry. Deepak’s financials are not that good. He will get ready. Rest depends on this girl. She will have to cooperate him, and live with him nicely”. There was silence. Again my fate was being written without my consent. Aunty seemed in hurry to dispose me off. It was hardly two days later she had arranged Deepak’s visit to see me. She had also obtained permission of my parents, which I least doubted. My parents had by now blind faith on her. She was their saviour. I was taken to beauty parlour in the same evening, for facial, threading etc. Hair was also done. We returned late, so uncle bought food from outside, and I served them. Uncle was constantly looking at my changed look. I could see aunty was noticing that. She tried taking his attention off, “tomorrow, I have called Deepak, I will explain him all, and let’s see what he says. He will be here till evening until you return. He will see himself how well she manages home, and then he won’t have any doubt”. Then she spoke to me by calling my name, “you don’t become smart in front of him. Behave properly tomorrow. or I will tell your parents to take care of you themselves. Answer only when asked, and behave nicely with him”. She remarked, “your dupatta is falling, pull it up, how many times I will have to remind you?” I quickly covered it.

On the D-day, my heart was racing fast. I was sad as well as worried about myself. I was cursing aunty, why she is putting me in this situation? Does she have her own vested interest? She would be worried about uncle, and so she wishes to get rid of me soon. After morning chores, I was expecting her instructions to get ready. I was thinking will she make me wear saree, like others. She said nothing, and we kept busy with our work. Around noon she opened up, “he will be coming anytime now. You get dressed in the new salwar kameez, and put that necklace.” I nodded. I went to my room to get dressed. After wearing the same, I appeared in front of her. She said, “put on little lipstick, do I have to teach you again? And matching nail polish. Tie your hair at back, appear a homely girl to him”. I left, again. I was afraid of aunty’s anger these days. She was in total command of me. I combed and tied my hair at back. Put on mild lipstick, changed earrings and wore the necklace.

I was making tea for the guest, better say, my saviour in aunty’s terms. I was instructed to bring some snacks too. My head should be down while serving them. Anyway, I was not going to face him with my eyes. I wasn’t at all interested in him, but still wished to see him. I didn’t get any glimpse of him, as he was sitting facing away from me. I thought of offering water first, and I would be able to see him. It would be ideal guesting, impressing aunty, and my eagerness to see him will be over as well. True to aunty’s words a man in 40s sat relaxing over the sofa. He positioned himself after seeing me, and was eyeing me. Aunty said, “she is Shruti, she is very good at house works, very polite and obedient”. He kept nodding his head in affirmation, but his eyes were still on me. He was looking at my stone studded thick white bangle. It was indeed beautiful, I had put it at the last moment. I thought of impressing upon aunty. I stood their for collecting the glasses. I was now looking at him with corner of my eyes. Brown striped shirt and a black formal pants, with some stain spots. Thick moustache and not so clean shaved. Our eyes met for an instant, and I was all ashamed. Aunty said, “sit Shruti. Deepak, look at her, isn’t she beautiful?” He was smiling. I said, “aunty, I was making tea”, and vanished from the scene. I couldn’t have stood there anymore. I was sweating, may be some unknown fear had gripped me. I was trying to remain calm. It was not that I was frightened of seeing him, it was just that I had never imagined these days to come in my life. Aunty shouted, “bring your tea also, we will take together”. I was in a fix, but I had to obey her. After serving them, I was made to sit in front of him. He was now comfortable, but little shy in gazing at me. He too was avoiding direct eye contact. Aunty was constantly in my praise, boasting my skills, and how I solely handled this house including uncle’s files. I was blushing all along, but was putting happy face as was instructed. He in between would fix his eyes on my diamond studded earrings, or face, or hair, and would shift other way. Aunty said, “Deepak, I have told you all about her past, she has suffered lot. We really look forward for your support. Her parents will be thankful to you for life. They will always help you. They are very wealthy in their place. You will have their backing always. Just help us”. And to me, she said, “he is very nice, he always be there when we need him, you are lucky to have him. I know him from my childhood. His house is close to my maternal house. He has 3 sisters, and they are all married. One younger brother who is also settled“. Aunty left us alone. She wanted to give us some time. I was afraid. He remained quiet and I too. My eyes were on his hand. They were rough. I could guess that, he was doing some mechanical work. He started, “how much you have studied?” I was in fix as my talent was far more than my studies, “I had to discontinue my studies,” I said, “11th with science”. He said, “good”. I was sweating again, which he noticed. “Be calm,” having a grin on his face, he said and asked. “How many brothers and sisters you have?” I said, “one younger brother”. He enquired about my family, father’s business etc.

Aunty and he kept gossiping all afternoon. I was busy doing house work, and cooking food. The maid was also kept for my assistance today, but she was instructed to just monitor, and I should do the cooking. She too at times chipped into their conversation praising me. In kitchen she would ask me about the man. She asked all weird questions, “How old is he? He seems too old. Is he widower?” I was annoyed, but I had to answer her in affirmation all the time. She was collecting information, so that she have enough material for gossiping the next door. I knew her nature. She at times would take pity on me. She knew all about me. After a while, she came close to me, and whispered in my ear. “Didi, if you don’t like this man, I also know a boy. He is good and young. Just few years elder to you. He works in office. If you say, I will talk to aunty”. She had sensed the status of Deepak, so she had the courage to offer an equal match. I chose not to reply. She kept fussing all the time, she stood there in kitchen, like how much dowry are we paying. I said, I was unaware. She said, “I have heard aunty telling, that your father will give a house in city”. I was surprised. Has things reached that level? Is there no scope? Maid had her own agenda. She said, “you reject him, he is old. I will get you better offer. He will keep you happy.

I was tired after day’s activities. I was able to change back into a comfortable cotton dress, after the would be groom had left. I would say would be groom because, things were falling in place, faster than I had imagined. Or was it cooking up from quiet sometime? And I got to know of it late? Whatever, but I was having the ring in my finger, placed by him. It would be a constant reminder for me from now onwards, of the coming changes in my life. I doubted, weather I would be married off in few weeks or in few days. I was not amused, but was deeply worried. Memories of my whole past, family and friends were still alive, but I have drifted so far from them. My freedom was the only thing, now I ever dreamed of. I was going from one prison to another. Another problem was the fear of facing family, brother and cousins. They would definitely be attending the marriage. How would I feel standing as a bride, all dressed in front of them.

Next day, aunty got my nose pierced. I was slowly immersing into the role. There wasn’t any manliness left in me. My spirit was also sinking. I was becoming more submissive by every passing day. Aunty didn’t leave any chance to humiliate me. According to her, a girl should be obedient and an ideal home maker. I started receiving more lessons on a good wife and home making. In my case, according to her, I was to work more hard to win their faith and please my in laws. I got to know that, my would be in laws would also live with us, and I was to look after them. This was the condition set by the groom. And aunty had accepted that on my behalf. My past would be known only to my hubby, and none other in the family, and me too was to keep it with me. I wouldn’t never reveal it to them. Soon they would come to see me in front of my parents. My parents would gift them a house and a car for accepting me.

Next day, my parents arrived. My father sat with Uncle, discussing about the preparation. My mother, me and aunty were sitting in my room, doing the other planning. Aunty asked my mother instruct me, about my behaviour after marriage and my responsibilities. Despite her reluctance, my mother would advise one or two things to please aunty. I was made to serve them tea and water from time to time. I was made to show the ring, which my would be had  put in my finger. I was ashamed to show it.  Soon we had to leave for shopping, so at aunty’s behest my mother started my make-up. She put eyeliner and lipstick, matching my pink dress. She made a pony tail, and added pink shaded earrings, along with bangles in my left hand. I adjusted my dupatta before we left. I was happy that at least, I was to go out, and have some fresh air. From the rear seat, I saw the driver of my father’s car. My heart sank to see the old servant, who was of my age on the driver seat. It was a surprise for me that, he grew to become our family driver. I wasn’t prepared for this face off, I was very ashamed now. I kept looking other way not to meet my eyes with him. More humiliating was the constant talk of aunty about my marriage. She would gossip all the time about sarees, dresses, lingerie and all we had set out to purchase. The inevitable was scheduled to the next week. I was to face more humiliation everyday till then, and probably for all the life thereafter.

Preparations were in full swing, sarees purchased, blouses and petticoat were given for stitching, and gold were bought. Clothes for gift to the groom’s family were also purchased. My family members would arrive in two three days, to attend the marriage. My sister in laws and cousin sisters would be called in advance, to be with me. They would be there to comfort me and help me. After all, I was to meet their fate, i.e. get married like them. Those experienced fellows were to be my role model, and I was expected to be like them. Lessons of good daughter and daughter in law were, given every day. I was expected to uphold the pride of my family, and be the bridge between families. I was trying my best to satisfy them, but was afraid of the developments from my heart. Fear of getting married  to an unknown man, who would control my life was getting over me. I was imagining myself as a home maker, who was all dependent on her husband, and had little choice of her own. The money which my father had saved for me, was already used for buying him a home and car in his name. I had nothing with me, which could give me some independence. I would be left at the mercy of the husband, or my family for my needs throughout my life. Till now, I had option that someday I will be independent, even if as a girl. I will have my freedom, but here I was entering a life full of compromise. Nobody, asked me for my wishes. My new innings was to start now. Soon the day arrived and I was married to the man destiny had chosen for me. From Shruti to Mrs. Deepak my role changed, but my struggle would not end, I knew.

I was a different person now. Its been just few hours since I got married, but everything around me, seemed to change suddenly. Either it was due to all the lessons I was taught since last month, on my responsibilities after marriage, or my own outlook about my new responsibility I found myself serious, to accept the role. I was overwhelmed by the love my family had given me and they stood by me. I won’t let them down. My mother’s final advice “We love you son and will always care for you. Will love to see you happy always. This is all done for your better future. Accept your fate and be the good daughter in law and wife. It will be best for your happiness. Deepak has accepted you gladly and now it is your turn to fulfil your responsibilities. Husband is the world of a woman. Keep him happy and you will be happy for life. You are wise and we all look forward to you.” I was ashamed hearing this, but simultaneously touched by her emotions. She had tears in her eyes and I knew my mother would not be wrong. I vowed not to let her down and obey her every instruction. I started preparing myself mentally for my wifely duties. My feelings for my husband were not the same anymore. Now he meant everything for me and I would be his dutiful wife. I would try to be the best wife and best daughter in law.

I was deep in my emotions, but it was time for my departure to my in-laws. I was surrounded by my family, everyone wished me good luck and I couldn’t resist my tears. I wished I had not to go and parting with family was never more painful than this time. I would now be part of some other family and in future would be just a guest in my family like my cousin sisters. We drove away in the gifted car. Now I understood how every girl feels when they part with their family after marriage. I knew my memories will always remain with me. I wished to return soon, to my family in town even as a girl. I just wanted to be there to assert my belongingness to the family.

Soon we reached our destination. I was afraid, but simultaneously relieved too. I would be in an unknown surroundings and I will be able to serve my duty without getting ashamed. As promised to my mother, I will try my best to be the good wife I thought. The new house was beautifully decorated for my reception and everyone in family was giving me warm welcome. The neighbours too were pleased to see the beautiful bride and complimented me and my husband. One of them remarked, “Deepak you are lucky to get so beautiful and young wife. She is very attractive.” I felt nice at the remark. Deepak was the eldest brother in his extended family, so I being his wife, was greeted with respect from his brothers and sisters, most of whom were elder to me. I felt little awkward as they were at least 10 years elder to me. Even the ladies much elder to me greeted with folded hands which I returned back with the same. Everybody was trying his/her bit to please me. I was happy with such a warm reception and was now at ease. After sometime, I was led into my room and made aware of the whereabouts of my belongings, which had reached from my family. The room was quiet small, but was neatly decorated for the occasion. I felt relaxed and most importantly, was relieved. Here, no one except one knew my past and I was accepted as the bride very warmly, so I could live up to the role of good wife, without bothering about what people would think of me. I changed over from the heavy bridal saree and jewellery, to a silk saree and matching earrings. Cleaned the make-up and applied fresh coat of eyeliner and lipstick. I wanted to look beautiful for the man of my life. Neighbours and guests had mostly left. I lay there in thoughts waiting for my husband. I never had thought I would be so desperate to wait for an unknown man. I had a feeling that, he would be a nice man, and after all my mother had convinced me. I just wanted to be double sure.  I also wanted to think the same of me and he would find me better than he expected. There were just few people in family left now. My sister-in-law and her children. They would come now and then, to take care of me. I was enjoying their company. I had already befriended the nephew and niece by giving them some pocket money. It was getting late, but the man I was waiting for was no where to find. I asked my niece, “Where is your uncle?”. She mischievously replied, “Which uncle?”. I had no answer, I was ashamed to be direct. I just smiled for the hint, which she said, “He is watching TV”. The conversation passed on quickly and I could hear niece calling out to her mother, who in turn was telling to my Husband. I cursed myself asking the niece. I thought, they would think I was getting desperate. I quickly adjusted my saree and looked at my make-up in the mirror. He would be coming any moment and I wanted to present myself in the best way. Soon he was there. My heart was racing fast now. I quickly stood up from bed and adjusted my pallu. He was quick to respond and waved to me to sit. I sat on the edge on other end of the bed where I was standing. He said, “If you need something, tell us without hesitation, this is your home too and feel relaxed here”. I nodded. He kept himself busy with the phone and I kept sitting waiting for his instructions. After long time, he realised that, I was sitting in an uncomfortable position, so he asked me to rest myself, motioning the pillows to me. I gracefully occupied and rested myself but caring to take the least space on the side of the bed. Hour passed without conversation and noise in the house had also settled. Everyone had retired to their room it seemed.

My eyes opened at the touch of something on face. I had fallen asleep long ago, I thought. It was well passed midnight, probably 2-3 pm at night. His right arm flanked over me and so were his right leg over mine. And the touch was of his lips on my face. The room was dimly lit. I quickly tried to compose myself and tried to excuse for getting asleep. He said, “No problem, you might have got tired. If you want, you sleep”, removing his grip from me. I said, “No, I am OK”, trying to please him. He said, “So you too want”. I was bowled and speechless. He seized the opportunity to pull me in his arms. My face was over his. My hands were full of bangles, which were jingling louder at this time of night. I was trying best to control the noise. He rolled me from one side of him to other over his body. He was only in his shorts. His body was naked. I could feel the hair on his chest. He said, “You slept in the saree, you must be feeling uncomfortable. Why didn’t you change?” I tried getting up, but he didn’t let me. “Sleep, let me help you”, he said, and unhooked my blouse and pulled the sleeves. I was in my bra now. He said, “Should I remove your bangles, they are heavy and you are not used to it”. I said, “No, let it be, mother has said that, I should keep wearing them for at least a month.” He said, “OK”. I was happy he cared for me. He said, “You are very beautiful. I love you”. I could not reply and just smiled. He undressed the rest of me. I was feeling shy and simultaneously anxious whether, I will be able to please him or not. He said, “Don’t worry, I will keep you happy and you should not worry about your future anymore. I told aunty to assure your parents, not to worry anymore.” I nodded my head. Then he held me tightly and said, “You are really beautiful, you are very attractive. I fell in love the first time I saw you. Do you like me?” I was spellbound, and didn’t know what to say. I may not have liked him earlier, but my opinion for him  has changed after marrying him. I had promised my mother to live up to his expectation. I didn’t reply, but put my palm on his chest so that, he take it as a sign of approval. He said, “Did they ask for your concern or forcefully married you? Anyway, whatever be the case, I will love you and keep you happy. You can feel free with me. I will let you do whatever you want to do. You are from good family and I have heard you are intelligent. I will always support you.” He was making me emotional now, I guess because he spoke all the right words I wished to hear from him. I was extremely delighted. I had wished for some freedom for me and here he is offering the same himself. Now I will have the freedom to shape my future, I would also turn around his fortunes, I convinced myself. I said, “We both will turn around our fortunes. I will always support you and respect you.” With a smile, he said, “For now I just want to love you. Can I?” I smiled back. Having my permission, he acted swiftly. He squeezed me under him and started caressing me. His palm explored my naked body as if he was taking my measurement. His lips were buried in mine. My hair strands were on my face, which were distracting him, so he paused to remove them. Smiling, he said, “You have nice hair “. He noticed hairpins in my hair and slowly pulled them out, thinking I might be feeling uncomfortable. He deep kissed me. I was almost out of my breath and moaned but he was undisturbed. My boobs were pressed by his weight, but I was unable to tell him. My face was steady between his two palms and his mouth was full of my lips. I was helpless. I had never imagined myself in this situation. He had power, which was far more than uncle. I realised this would be the plight of all women. They have secondary role in this game. I had no choice either. My physical power was no match to him, I saw. I tried to be as calm as possible, as this would be my duty for now onwards, to give him the pleasure as he wished. He was in no mood to relent. Probably he hadn’t been with a girl for long. Don’t know why, but I was pleased at this thought of him, being faithful to his past wife or I can say to me now. Now I knew why women want their men to be faithful to them. How painful It is for a woman, to share her man with other? I was feeling the same here and joyed that my man will remain loyal to me.  He asked, “Did you like it?” I had no other option to say that, I did. Squeezing my boobs with his hand he said, “From tomorrow you will like every night. Let us sleep now, you must be tired today.”

I awoke in the morning at the knock on the door. I was lying naked. I quickly gathered my clothes and responded. My man was sleeping on the other side of the bed, naked in his shorts. I opened the door and greeted my sister-in-law. She was all in smiles with tea for us. She asked me to get my husband up. I was in a fix now, what to call him. So I told her he may sleep more as he slept late.  She was in big laugh, “Yes, yes why not. You two must have been busy.” I was ashamed and my head was down. I was feeling foolish to have made that late remark. What she would be thinking? She said, “OK, I am going to kitchen, get him up and he can sleep after having tea.” Hesitant what to call him, I wished he gets up by himself. That was not going to be, so I softly touched his back and tried to get him up. I said, “Suniye, didi chai layi hai (sister has brought tea)”. I had to repeat it few times before he got up.

New life in a new home is always challenging. Taking new role and expectations from a  new bride, it’s a tough start for every girl, I thought. I  was indecisive  whether to stay put or go in kitchen to help sister-in-law. I headed for the kitchen after making my mind up and helped her prepare breakfast. She was appreciating my skills. Later in the day, I was also lauded by my husband for the cooking, which made me felt happy. Never had my cooking been appreciated like this before. We together finished house chores. In the afternoon, after lunch my husband took me to bedroom and bolted the door from inside on pretext of rest. Lifting me up in arms, he landed me in middle of the bed. We were soon engaged in the act of love making. My bangles were again making noise and announcing to others what we were up to. I was feeling embarrassed. He was kissing me passionately all over. He had nailed me down under him, like a lion would to his prey but careful not to put his weight on me. He was enjoying my soft skin with his probing palm.

Next day my sister-in-law left for her home and we two were left alone. I assumed in charge of the house. It was supposed to be my duty and I was used to it from uncle’s house. I was relieved a bit, as I would not be embarrassed  behind closed doors. Besides, I could now wear salwar kameez in place of saree, which I was not used to. It was also ideal situation for us, to know each other and generate faith for life long. There was also no barrier for love making. It was not at top of my thoughts, but I was feeling happy for him as he would have full access of me as his wife. I got numerous calls from my family on my well being and wishes. My husband was happy and was constantly trailing me since morning. He was bothered of me working in kitchen and was helping me in between. I would say he was finding excuses to get closer to me and  love me. I let him do what he wished. By afternoon I was tired and we found some time to be on bed together. I was enjoying the company. Having spent times lonely it was nice feeling to have someone who cared for me. I was feeling pampered. There were new adjustments too. I have slept alone on bed since my childhood. I would not let my siblings to get on same bed. I liked sleeping at peace. Here since two days, I was sleeping under his arms. It is little uncomfortable, but the excitement is more than the discomfort. I may soon learn to sleep like this for the rest of my life. The other discomfort was his beard, when he rubbed against my fatty skin. I would scream at times. My skin has become more sensitive I guessed. My face became more pretty with some fat in past months and I looked more beautiful. In mirror, I was looking older after my marriage and of course I was acting more sensible now. Away from my family, I had no hesitation in accepting my new role. I just wished to see myself happy and keep others happy too. My male ego was almost gone and a new caring and dutiful wife I was trying to be. So far I was successful too, but still feared the worst, for the sexual life ahead. Will the union be happy or bring either of us in compromise? He hadn’t advanced for it, but I knew he was going to explore it soon. I had no  desire for it, but I wished to satisfy him. He was in love with me, so I wished to fulfil his lust at any cost.

Next day, we headed for the honeymoon. My urge to travel led me to convince him for it. He was reluctant initially, but gave up when I insisted. I booked the tickets and we headed for a hill station. I  was extremely happy and just wished to explore my freedom and be in a carefree world. We reached a nice hotel. I had kept the itinerary a surprise for him. He didn’t mind me taking the decisions. He was not one of the dominating person I found, he didn’t apply much brain into things. I was happy at my fate at last. I  could enjoy my freedom now, and I was sure I would bring happiness in our life. I would start working soon and help ease his burden. For now I just wanted to enjoy the happiness. He was amazed at the luxury here in hotel and was curious about every little thing he was seeing for first time. I was happy detailing him and teaching him few lessons on curtsey and dressing. I wanted to present ourselves as a normal  couple. I had packed nice clothes for me and him. He was being obedient taking every advice and instructions from me. I liked being the boss. I made him wear jeans and t-shirt, got him a trending haircut. He was looking younger of his age now. I wore floral net shirt with jeans. Red lipstick, nail polish, and red bangles matched the newly married me. Obvious with these signs, many unknown people were greeting me of happy married life. It was truly a happy life for now. I looked more charming and beautiful, than most of the newly wed who were staying with us. We had befriended few of them. A young doctor couple in our adjacent room, went with us for site seeing. The wife and me spent lots of time gossiping. We became good friends. Her name was Neha and she too was from Delhi. We promised to meet again in Delhi. After becoming girl, she was my first friend and I found that girls too enjoy friendship as much as boys do. I found her innocent at heart, but was well educated and logical. Despite she is few years elder to me, she treated me as equal and insisted to call her by the first name. She was a gynaecologist.

Tired, we lay ourselves on bed at night. He seemed happy too. I guessed whether he had enough energy left for love making. I teased him, “Seems you are tired.” He said, “Are you not?”. “But you are older”, I  smiled. At once he pounced on me, “Not as much you think.” I was soon overpowered after some friendly fight. I was no match to him. He confined me in his arms and started kissing me. Soon we were naked and he was over me kissing me everywhere. My body was almost buried in the spongy bed due to his weight. I could not move myself an inch. His lips engulfed mine and his hands were pressing my boobs. I struggled for space. I was freed only after few minutes. He smiled looking at me, and I was looking at him. He said, “Do you still think I am old?” I said, “No, not anymore. Anyway, whatever you are, you are mine.” Pecking on my cheeks, he said, “You are beautiful”. I was feeling emotional and I clung to him. I have started to see him as my best friend. After long isolation, I have found his company and it was going to be for life. So I wished to give best to this relation. I also had the intercourse issue in my mind, which I wanted to discuss with him now.

Can I ask something? I was looking into his eyes. Yes, why not? His looked me back.

Why did you marry me? You knew all about me. I could not give you the real pleasure; I asked him.

You are beautiful. He tried to avoid my question, and arranged my hairs. So I repeated.

I wanted a wife as a companion and you are more than that. You are more beautiful than any other woman I could get. You are intelligent. And I find you better than me in every aspect. I will keep you happy always. He replied, and I was relieved.

Are you happy with me? He asked, and I pecked him in affirmation. He tightened his grip over me against his chest, and we smiled.

You are very brave. You have managed yourself very well. I can’t imagine your past looking at you now. You must have suffered a lot. Life as man and woman are totally different. You have different expectations from others. You have seen both and are doing best. He said.

It’s my fate. I replied.

I will support you in whatever you do; he consoled me. Thank you. My eyes became filled.

Uncle said you wanted to work. I will let you work. He said. I was very happy to hear this, and I kissed him in joy.

I want to earn, to be financially independent and make our lives better. I told him, and he nodded in affirmation.

I also want to get the surgery done to make me complete, so that we can lead a normal life. I don’t want to deprive you of sex. At last, I told him.

You are so sensible, but  I can wait. He smiled. I just need your support in life. I can manage the rest. I assured him.

OK, but what if your body changes back later? He raised his concern. I have lost all hopes and I don’t think anymore about it. I replied.

I too don’t wish it, else, I will lose a beautiful wife as you. Your bottom is also juicy. You can satisfy me there too. He was getting hard. I knew what he meant. I was not expecting that, and I wasn’t prepared too.

You won’t get satisfied there. Wait for a year I will get surgery done. I looked at his face, he seemed dejected. He turned his face other side. I was shocked. I made him face me and said, “What happened?

I don’t want to hurt you, but I have urge of doing it. You are so beautiful, I can’t resist it. I can even manage there. Please don’t misunderstand me. He said. I thought for a while. I was not in a position to deny it. After all, it was his right, so I consented, “But we may need lubricants.” He was all prepared in advance, having already purchased them.

But what about safety? I asked him. We are husband wife. Do we need it? Do you doubt it? He asked me back. In fact, I was doubting him, as I didn’t know his past, but I couldn’t say anything. I had to trust him. He was quick to arrange positions of me and him.

Where did you learn this? I asked. In videos. He replied, and started the act with foreplay.

My heart was racing at the outcome so I closed my eyes. The act was painful, but it got over soon. I was relaxed. After all, my last wish of satisfying him was over and there was no more doubt in my mind. He was lying beside me looking at my tensed face.

Was it very painful? He asked. Yes, but manageable. I replied.

They said in video, first time it happens. Later you will also enjoy. He assured me.

I was not sure, but I knew it will be repeated, again and again, so I have to adjust to it. I thought how far I have travelled in my life. From a child with dreams, to an unwanted girl, to a wife, doing this. I recalled the advices, “Wife has to bear all.” He pulled me closer, “Don’t be tensed, you have done nothing wrong, here is no one beside me and you. We are husband and wife. If you deny, I will not do it again. I was advised that this will make our relation more stronger. Trust me.” I didn’t say anything and just faked a smile at him. I had forgotten my male ego months ago, but today I didn’t know how it resurfaced. All the past came in front of my eyes. For the moment, I was seeing him as a stranger, whom I needed to know more before I trust. I had heard of men, who initially impress girls with nice words and later torment them. My helplessness as a girl was visible now. But I had no other choices, I have been made to travel this far by my family itself. I was cursing  inside and wished I shouldn’t have agreed for the marriage. He guessed the situation and was constantly trying to soothe me. But not succeeding, he said “OK. If you didn’t like it and want revenge, you try it on me”. I was ashamed as I knew I can’t, but now I was logical that he assigned me the role, which could fit in the act. Maybe, he was thinking for the betterment of our relation. I was little relieved. So, for making the situation little light, I said, “If I ever change back, I will penetrate you and take my revenge.” We laughed together. Pressing my boobs he said, “Till then, let me take the lead.” He resumed kissing and foreplay again. I was resigned to my fate and was now participating in the act.

Next day we were returning home. Our honeymoon was short, but was memorable. We needed to save our money too for our uncertain future. He got lots of selfies clicked and was busy circulating to friends and family. I was ashamed when few such photos reached my home. Sister-in-laws would inquire me every now and then, about the honeymoon and the loving husband he seemed in those photos. Me too in western outfits, and in his arms, seemed happy in them. They assumed I was very happy in my new life and I was settled for life. Back home I took the charge of housewife and a dutiful wife. The trip was indeed memorable.

I was now used to the new place at my in-laws. I had taken over the kitchen and there was not much to do, as we were just two people in home. I was told by my husband that, my in-laws would arrive after a month. I guessed they did not want to interrupt the privacy of their son, who was newly married. My husband, Deepak too was on leave for another month. I doubted whether he worked, or was jobless. I was a bit worried as well. He assured me, that he would join from next month and he earned enough for both of us, to live happily. He was having good time with me and I too loved the company, after so long. I had grown lonely, since I left my home. I had started realising how important it’s in life, to have a company. A soul mate, who would care for you and you can look forward to him. At times, I gossiped with him for long and he would just nod in between. Though those gossips would not be of my real taste, but it would make me feel nice and I was contended that I am important to someone at least. He even didn’t mind my bossiness and would calm me, whenever I got angry on him over little things. Which was mainly over his untidiness and laziness. He hardly had anything to do at home, as I did all the house chores and he was very pleased with it. I was, in fact, used to manage home from Uncle’s place.

I was happy anyway, as I had freedom here and I was sick of Aunty’s high-handedness and scolding.My husband Deepak is her distant relative, so she would often call him and enquire about me. I avoided talking to her, as I was upset with her. Deepak had nothing to do at home. He spent his time socialising with his friends and neighbours. When at home, he would be around me. He would follow me everywhere and try to be cosy with me all the time. He would find excuses to hold me and take me to bedroom. He wouldn’t let me leave bed, until late morning. In bed, he was very romantic. I was surprised, how a man in 40’s could be so romantic, that too when he had been married earlier. He was very passionate in love making and filled with excitement. I found him aroused every time I was with him, and he often praised my beauty. I would feel nice about it and feel happy for him. Maybe, I was succeeding in my role as a wife. We had sex frequently, and only after having sex, he would let me free and sleep. His attraction to me seemed to increase with every passing day. He had even started demanding love making at odd hours and at times, would carry me to bed from kitchen in middle of cooking. It becomes annoying at times, but I would relent after some initial resistance. I wondered if it continues for the whole time or would stop after sometime. Maybe, the privacy at home was making him horny all the time. When my in-laws will be back, it will decrease, I guessed. In fact, I wished they arrive soon. To stop him, I would tease him often of his age.

You are an old man, you should not be so horny, you should control yourself; I used to say.

He would be unmindful and say that; I have controlled myself for many years now, let me not waste anymore before its too late.

I always ensured, that he be happy with me and gave him the pleasure he needed from me, but I was not very comfortable with the act. Despite being penetrated over three dozen times in past one month, I wasn’t at ease. I felt humiliated and helpless. I wondered, that if I got my surgery someday and will I ever feel normal like every other girl. I struggled with him every time, when he forced himself upon me, but physically I was no match to him, so I surrender and he would be smile at his victory.

My skin has become soft and sensitive, I have started noticing that, his firm grip would pinch like anything. Even the rub of his hairy body would discomfort me. For him, I was no less than a princess. He would always praise my beauty and find every excuse to remain glued to me. He would show me off to his friends, who would come visiting often. They too would admire my beauty. My husband would sit adjacent to me, encircling his arms around me, to show off his prized wife. His friends would be jealous of him. He would make me wear saree whenever his friends came to our home, and instruct me to be covered in front of them. I wondered if he was so mindful of his friends ogling at me, then why he called them home?

I hated wearing saree. It takes me time to put them properly and doing house chores in saree is a great distraction. Further, all my blouses have become tight fitted, and I felt suffocated in them. Zipping their hooks was another problem, for which I had to take his help. To unbutton those hooks, I have to plead him several times. He would oblige only after I promise him love making that night. Getting dressed in saree also requires wearing matching earrings bangles and ornaments, which are burden to carry. The lipstick, eye shadow and other make-up takes my time.

Now I understood why ladies at my home back, took so much time getting ready. You have to take care of yourself and look your best, particularly when, people come to meet the newly wed. The easiest part is my hair. It doesn’t take much time. My hair being just below my shoulders doesn’t need to be plaited, so I just part them in between and put hairpins. My hairs are silky thick and straight. They don’t get entangled, even after complete day and hence need the least attention. I sometimes puff them and put hairpins in different styles, which are always praised by ladies and also by my husband. He has confessed many times, that my hairs turns him on. I too think my hairs are perfect as a girl.

Deepak likes bright colours, so he always insists on wearing pink, orange or red sarees. In fact, all the sarees which I got as gift from my in-law side are brighter ones. It is not of my taste, but I wear them, to keep him happy. In market, I stand out of the crowd in them and can see every person ogling at me. I always argue him, why I cannot wear salwar kameez or jeans-top to the market, but he doesn’t listen. Except for the honeymoon trip, I have never worn jeans and top here. He says I look very young in them and he won’t feel comfortable with me in them. Its true, I look at least 5-7 years older in sarees. He wants me to put on some more weight, so that I may look little older and compatible to him. I have always been conscious of my figure, even after my transformation, and I don’t like plumb ladies. I have athletic figure, which I am contended with, no matter it is of female now.

My old dreams of becoming a sportsperson has faded with time, but I cherish to be a working woman someday. Maybe, I become a successful person as female and gain my financial and social freedom. Here I was trapped in house-making and had no skill other than this. Sometimes, I get upset thinking I have just become a sex toy in hands of my husband and I will have to spend my whole life being dependent on him. The only solace was that, he was behaving like a nice man until now and listened to me.

It was my only hope, that I will be able to convince him to let me work. My family was against my plans. My  mother thought I would not be safe as a girl outside and would not listen to my arguments. She thought I was too innocent to face the cruel world and would be safe under guardianship of my husband. So did my father and he would promise to help my husband financially to look after me. My mother would guide me to be the dutiful wife and abide by my husband. She considered Deepak a nice person with golden heart and praised him all the time. My husband too would comfort her with sweet words and all assurances towards me. He would make her believe that, his only priority was my happiness. So my parents would always be thankful to him and to aunty, who was the one found him for me.

Even after three months from the wedding, my husband has not started working, he was receiving grant from my father every month for our living. I doubted he was not interested in working anymore. His only job was to socialise with friends, gossip with neighbours and make love to me. He was having time of his life and I had to do all house chores. Slowly, I had to do groceries and other outside works. I never complained him, as I got to go out, which I liked very much. The only grudge was that, I had to wear saree. He would scold me, if I go out otherwise. I got warm reception from people outside and everybody would call me bhabhiji, which was odd initially, but I am now used to it. I felt it was easy being a girl. Everybody was so polite and helping it seemed. As a boy, the world was not that hospitable I knew. The shopkeepers and bus conductors would give priority to me, by ensuring my comfort. The bus drivers would drop me at my convenience, on just a single request. I remember how rude they were when I was a boy. This was the positive side of being a girl. But being girl, I had to always be conscious of myself as everybody would be looking at me. Most would stare at my breasts or my face, which was annoying at times. At crowded places, I learnt few harsh lessons. Many people just would rub against my body, which I couldn’t help. So I had to be careful. Some even passed comments, which I could do nothing but ignore. I sometimes got angry, but controlled myself. I never finished my work in a single visit, as it gave me excuse to go out every day. I liked going out and enjoying the little freedom I had. The markets were crowded and filthy in my neighbourhood, and thus, soon my desire to explore the upmarket became stronger. I stealthily went to malls and other places, without informing my husband.

He grew lazy, day by day and spend most of his time indoors. The only time he would not feel lazy, was during sex. His lust seemed no bound. He was been ready for it, all the time. I was not enjoying it anymore, and his idleness was bothering me. Will he remain at home for ever? Is this the right life my parents have chosen for me? I could take care of myself better than this. Anger and sadness overwhelmed me sometimes. I would anyhow control my anger and  think, at least I have a place to live if he desert me where I will go? My parents would not take me home, and instead, they would put all the blame on me. So I kept on doing my wifely duties without complaining. I wished to have some private so that I could plan for my future. He would not let me free for a minute. Every free minute for him was romance time.

The monotonous life of mine got a break and my parents announced that they would be visiting us. I was happy to meet them. Simultaneously, I was nervous to face them for first time after marriage. Although I have faced them at uncle’s place, but that was different. I was the host now and they are the guest. I had to welcome them as the daughter and they wanted to see, whether I had settled in my role or not. There was another problem as well. My husband had started calling me ‘sweety’ lately, which I didn’t like at all. It would be a huge embarrassment, if he calls me by it in front of my parents.

Please don’t call me sweety from now onwards, I have a name and its Shruti; I requested him.

But, I like calling you ‘sweety’; he said, and started hugging me.

But, please don’t call me by this name in front of my parents; I said, and he relented.

OK darling, as you wish. I have to be a good son-in-law too, but you should not deprive me of my daily dose of love in their presence. Come at once in bedroom when I call you.

I was relieved and said; OK fine, but not all the time. We need to take break. What they will think?

We are newly married and they won’t mind. They too would have enjoyed when they were young; he said.

Don’t count yourself young. You are no more young; I said.

He became annoyed and caught hold of me; If I am old Why did you marry me?

That was a mistake; I said laughingly.

So now you pay the price. I will let you know tonight how young still I am. ” He started kissing me vigorously in the kitchen itself. I was helplessly pleading him that I wont tease him again.