There was once a young man who would always wake up in the middle of the night. He felt that only in the darkest hours he could truly unleash his inner self. He stared at the mirror and began his masterpiece. He first started with the foundation, applying all over his beautiful manly face trying to cover all his flaws. He then added eye shadow, making sure his blue eyes would pop out. Later came the winged eyeliner, the fake eyelashes, and the lipstick and so on and so on.
He quickly kept adding more and more cosmetics, as if he was portraying art on his face. He reached under his bed, to a secret box where he hid all his feminine clothes. He chose a cute crop top, a set of gorgeous black heels, a nice skirt, and the perfect blonde wig to top it off. Then came the jewellery, he picked out the most stunning set of earrings, and a bright golden necklace to go along with the outfit.
He looked at his reflection and said, “Ragini, nice to see you again.”
She was mesmerized at her true identity. This was Ragini’s time, she owned the world. Ragini was so distracted at her complexion that throughout the whole process she did not pay attention to her younger sister, who was standing right next to her.
“Rajesh, is that you?!” exclaimed his sister.
“Please, Shweta do not tell Mom, and Dad.” Rajesh pleaded.
Shweta still in shock said, “Rajesh! You are a queer!”
Rajesh started crying, “No Shweta, this is me. This is who I am. Please do not tell Mom and Dad.”
The next morning, Rajesh woke up as if nothing had occurred. He woke up to the sound of his alarm, got dressed, and made his way to the breakfast table. He quickly noticed that all his family members were already at the table. That made him a bit anxious. Did his sister already rat him out? He instantly started thinking about all the lies he would tell his parents in order to save his reputation. “I could tell them she’s insane, I mean why would anyone ever even believe a fifteen year old over me?” Rajesh kept thinking. “Oh, my sister is so going to get it!” and that’s when his father interrupted him.
“My, oh my, did you get laid?” his Dad asked with a grin on his face.
At first Rajesh had no clue what his father was talking about. It wasn’t until Rajesh saw his reflection on his spoon that he finally became aware of the red lipstick still on his lips.
“So did you?” his dad chuckled.
Rajesh said, “Oh no this is just some Kool-Aid from last night…you know late night studying.”
His dad kept questioning when will son his son ever go out, when will his boy finally become a man. “Son, you need to live and stop being you in damn room. You know only queers do that…and no son of mine is a queer.”
Rajesh feeling a bit uneasy just accepted it and replied with a simple “soon dad,” although his insides were rotting. Rajesh just wanted to hear a simple “I love you” from his dad, but he knew men were not supposed to show emotion.
Rajesh knew he would never get that reaction from his father especially if he were to find out about his gender. Rajesh just desired to be loved for and cared for. That was it. Every night he counted down the minutes until everyone was asleep, so he could let the lovely Ragini out. It was because of these moments Rajesh lived for. He felt that this was the only way he could maintain his sanity. There were some instances that even his sister, Shweta offered to help Ragini out.
“Okay that top does not go with those shoes.” Shweta pointed out.
“But I saw Beyoncé wear the exact same outfit.”
“Brother…I mean Ragini…when dressing up you have to think about with what goes with your figure not what looks good on others.”
“Aw, thanks Shweta. I know this is hard for you, but I truly appreciate it.” Rajesh said.
“I am your sister; I will love you no matter what Rajesh! But the thing that I don’t get is how? How did you know?” Shweta asked.
“I guess I knew ever since I was little. I never quite fit in. I used to see the other boys play with trucks and guns but I didn’t want to do that. You know better than anyone else how I always wanted to always play with your doll house, how I always wanted to try on your clothes…how I always wanted to try on mom’s make up…look Shweta I was never a he…I might have been born a man…but this isn’t me. I am Ragini…Ragini is me.”
“The saddest part of all this is that you know our parents will never accept you…especially dad he already hates the gays imagine if he were to ever find out …” Shweta said.
Seconds later a knock was heard on the door, and somebody opened the door. “Hey Shweta, I was just going to get a drink of water…wait…what the fuck is this?!” It was their father.
“Rajesh, is that you?! You fucking faggot!”
“Yes, father it’s me…but let me explain.
“Shut the fuck up you little bastard.”
And that’s then when their father took matters in his own hands and brutally beat Ragini up. It was as if with every punch the father gave, it came along with a rude hurtful comment. “ You are no son of mine.”
“I will beat the fucking faggot out of you.”
“I fucking told you, no son of mine will be a fucking queer.”
Ragini’s eyes were bruised, her ribs broken…that’s when she found the little strength she had left and ran. She quickly grabbed the keys to the car and drove. She was in need of an ambulance, blood spilling everywhere. She was not okay. All these horrible thoughts were going through her mind. She did not know what hurt the most the physical violence, or the words her father told her.
“Why me?!” Ragini kept thinking. She started crying. “I will never be good enough. I am a worthless piece of shit. Why couldn’t I just be a normal male? Why can’t my father ever love me? Why will I never be good enough? What’s the point of living? I will never make my father happy, I will never be happy. I just can’t do this.”
That’s when her mind told her a quick solution, end it. End it now. She kept driving and saw a nearby wall. “If I cannot be happy here on Earth, maybe I will be happy in hell.” Rajesh accelerated the wheel, aimed at the wall, and crashed.
There was no more Rajesh, no more Ragini. He was just a boy who was never a boy.
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